- I was tempted to write her again this morning and ask if we could talk. Why in the living blue blazes is it so ridiculously hard for me to just accept already that she doesn't want to talk to me and drop her out of my thoughts? I need to change my focus. I am focused on the non-existent. She's gone; there is no more point in thinking about her, missing her, wanting her, or even analyzing what happened. How could there possibly be, after nearly six months, anything else of value to squeeze out of consideration of my relationship with her and what happened? It wastes my precious leisure to remain in this frame of thought. Sheesh. I really need to issue an eviction notice to her simulacrum in my head...and I can't. It's tiring. I just need to accept that there is no more closure to be had and "move on." As much as I hate that phrase I must admit it is applicable here. Ugh. I can refrain from contacting her, and have, and I can accept rationally that these thoughts are a dead end, and do, but I cannot change how I feel. I still want to talk to her, at least once more; there are still things I want to understand, and don't. Damn it. I know that fighting it doesn't work, but for the love of sweet peace, why does it take so damned long just to ride this out? Grr...ah well, it takes as long as it takes. Hell, it took a year, with Crystal. It's just that, given the current expected human longevity, I don't have an abundance of those left. Damn it. Suck it up.
I only hear what I want to? Wrestling with an angel, or devil, in my head.
December 10th, 2015