Montecristo Captain Quixote

montecristo

The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world


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Montecristo Captain Quixote
montecristo

If you could only see how blue her eyes can be...

Observation: It is difficult to write about the things which are extremely important in a timely fashion. Also, I have to change some privacy settings on some entries I have made here. I promised Laurel that I would do this, because she wants me to do so, but I have not attended to this yet. I feel guilty about this, but I have not put the time and the thought together at the same time in order to accomplish this yet. I want to do it, but I am also reluctant to do it, because of feelings about my own honesty in "covering up," and I don't want to do this thoughtlessly, and yet alacrity is also of the essence. I will do it tonight, or no later than tomorrow morning. That is a promise to myself. I will keep it.

Laurel is speaking to me again. Our communications have been strained, at times, but I still find them pleasurable, and in several different ways, richly rewarding. If I am ever to have a life-partner with whom to share the intimacy, passion, and spiritual values Schnarch says are possible for two people to enjoy together, I am still of the opinion that she is the best candidate I know, or have known, with whom I am likely to accomplish that goal.

On the 17th, Mom's birthday, I had conversations, first with my brother, and then with my parents, which were much more open and honest than the communications I have previously had with them, possibly in years. The conversations still were not honest enough, in my estimation, to satisfy my conscience, but they are an improvement. I am still very much conflicted over, and wrestling with, making hard choices regarding whether I can and should terminate my association with them. Logically assessing the necessity of doing so is horriibly difficult, and emotionally assessing it is practically impossible, because my feelings keep shifting and fluctuating. I was on YouTube some minutes ago, listening to the song over which DJ has been obsessing the past couple of days and I was flooded with a feeling of sadness so powerful it made me weep, but the feeling faded. I am working on this.

Observation: My brother sees negotiations with his wife over differences in their values and intended actions (e.g. the aesthetic value of a wall-hanging on their wall) in terms of win-lose. They are still married.

My parents and my brother all seem to have no problems with the limits of their own moral curiosity. Can one honestly live and love without an active and continuously growing moral consciousness? I don't see how that question can be answered in the affirmative at all. Is it possible that my family members might also live in contradiction to what they have each told me, to one extent or another? My parents have been, and seem to be, reaping the natural consequences of attempting to live according to their own confessed beliefs. The jury is very much out on my brother. He seems more differentiated, in some ways, than I was expecting, when I spoke to him. On the other hand, some of his surface calm is possibly just dissociation. How can I be sure?

My mother is upset because Chris has appropriated some photographs of my mother's when my mother felt certain that she had not given Chris permission to take those, and she wants them back. Something to ponder: why can't Mom simply talk to Chris and ask for the photographs back? What kind of weirdness is at work here?

This morning's attempt at applying "Five-Why Analysis" to the problem of de-FOO.

I should de-FOO.

WHY?

I can consistently operate on a moral standard only as high as the one to which I am willing to hold my parents.

WHY?

Operating on a higher moral standard allows confrontation with internal sub-persona so that dysfunctional feelings and behaviors may be redirected and re-purposed to more functional ends. [Side note: Does this really answer the previous question well? Was the previous answer really true?]

WHY?

The dysfunctional feelings and behaviors of un-lead (ill-managed) sub-persona create adverse consequences in my ability to relate to others in healthy, productive ways. They also interfere with my ability to perceive reality, focus on what is important in existence, and appreciate, identify, produce, acquire, trade, and share values.

WHY?

The ability to process reality effectively, enabling me to appreciate, identify, produce, acquire, trade, and share values is required for me to exist and thrive.

WHY?

Existence, the thriving of the individual, is the fundamental human end. It is the meaning of human consciousness.


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