Montecristo Captain Quixote

montecristo

The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world


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Montecristo Captain Quixote
montecristo

Well I Went Back to Ohio...

My cousin sebstorm1 sent me an e-mail which made me think, and laugh, about my old home in the Midwest. Fellow expatriate Ohioans and those who still live there will understand. Can I get a witness?
Yeah, Cleveland rocks...
  • You don't really know any homosexuals, you just know that there are a lot of them in Lakewood.
  • You know you don't really have an accent, the rest of the world does.
  • You hear there are always famous people in town, but you have never seen one.
  • You hate country music, don't know anyone that does like country music, and yet WGAR just won the music station of the year.
  • You find it hard to believe that someone as cool as Tom Hanks made his start here. But you'd brag about it.
  • You take credit for Cedar Point even though it is 2 hours away.
  • You honestly believe that Cleveland is the best city in the world.
  • You know the Tri-C jingle "students for life" and it scares the hell out of you.
  • You take Dead Man's Curve at 60 mph holding your breath.
  • You know about the Eastside/Westside rivalry, but don't really understand it.
  • You will never forget the "Good Morning from the Buzzard Morning Zoo" jingle.
  • You know the neighborhood schools went without sports because all the senior citizens refused to pass the levies.
  • You actually know how to pronounce Cuyahoga.
  • You can't tell Brook Park, Brooklyn, or Old Brooklyn apart.
  • You see Christmas lights still up in July.
  • You love BW-3, but have no clue what the heck weck is.
  • You find yourself singing "Garfield 1-2323" in the shower.
  • You are still dumbfounded by the Leaping Fountain in Tower City.
  • You have never ridden in a taxi.
  • You wear shorts the first day of the year it isn't below 30 and snowing, just because you can.
  • You have gotten 3 speeding tickets, and they are all from the mile long stretch of a suburb named Linndale.
  • You have no idea how exactly to get to the Flats, you just kind of end up on a bank and start partying.
  • You really don't know what the Warehouse District is, you just know that it's a great place to party.
  • You know who the Jake really is.
  • You hate Baltimore and you have never been there.
  • You love St. Patty's Day; it's your number one holiday, and you aren't Irish.
  • You are still relishing 1987 when we ALMOST made it to the Super Bowl.
  • You counted down with the monument in Tower City to the exact second in 1999 when the Browns came back.
  • You heard Bill Clinton and Drew Carey love Parma Pierogies, but you have yet to ever eat there.
  • You know Tower City isn't a city at all.
  • You are Polish.
  • You find that stories of Little Italy still send chills down your spine.
  • You admit that at least half of your wardrobe is Tribe apparel.

Well here is a good monologue from Jeff Foxworthy about our great state....These are too funny.. and true! Enjoy! Comedian Jeff Foxworthy on Ohio: You may be from Ohio (pronounced ah-hi-uh) if:
  1. You think all Pro football teams are supposed to wear orange!
  2. You know all the 4 seasons: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
  3. You live less than 30 miles from some college or university.
  4. You know what a buckeye really is, and have a recipe for candy ones.
  5. "Toward the lake" means "north" and "toward the river" means south.
  6. You know if other Ohioans are from southern or northern Ohio as soon as they open their mouths.
  7. You can spell words like Cuyahoga, Olentangy, Bellefontaine, Tuscarawas, Wapakoneta and you know which letter is doubled in Cincinnati.
  8. "Vacation" means spending a day at Cedar Point in the summer and deer hunting in the fall.
  9. You measure distance in minutes.
  10. Your school classes were canceled because of cold.
  11. Your school classes were canceled because of heat.
  12. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
  13. You know what should be knee-high by the Fourth of July.
  14. You end your sentences with an unnecessary preposition. Example: "Where's my coat at?"
  15. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both un-locked.
  16. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.
  17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
  18. You know what 'pop' is.
  19. You design your kid's Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
  20. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow.
  21. You think sexy lingerie is tube socks and a flannel nightgown.
  22. The local paper covers national and international headlines on one page but requires 6 pages for sports.
  23. If you actually get these jokes -- then forward 'em to your OHIO friends

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So do tell:

1. KWEE yuh Hoo guh?

2. Koo ya hoo gah?

3. something else?

In the Prissville hemisphere there's a town named Puyallup, natives pronounce it PYOO-ol-up

KI-uh-ho-gah, with a long "I" and a long "O".

You hate Baltimore and you have never been there.
I forgive you.

But I just want to know how could you hate a town that's nicknamed "Charm City?"
And, if it makes you feel any better, we (even expatriates like me) love Cleveland and Art Modell. :)

As a Californian now, I forgave Baltimore for the Browns years ago. Also, of course Baltimore citizens love Art Modell, in much the same way that the Brittish were grateful to Benedict Arnold.

Very funny. Now hand me a can of pop and pass the buckeyes.

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