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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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Shrek Captain Layers

Don't look so perplexed, why must you be vexed, can't you see you're next

Leaving on a jet plane

Well ham, Mary Travers of Peter, Paul, and Mary has died. Apparently, she died on the sixteenth, at 72, of complications from chemotherapy for leukemia. Well, there goes another small chunk of my childhood. I always liked their music.

Hold you in his armchair, you can feel his disease

It's been an odd week. Last Wednesday evening, September 9th, I came down with something. I have no idea what it was. I got chills, fever, joint pains like someone knee-capped me, and a headache. I hardly got a wink of sleep Wednesday night. I called in sick Thursday. I spent the day in bed Thursday. Friday morning, I was feeling only a little bit better so I called in again. A couple of hours after that all of the symptoms had faded away entirely. Heh. I love my constitution but I felt guilty after calling in Friday, given that whatever bug I had contracted was in retreat and not destined to hang on until even noon. Ah well.

Once you started wearing those shoes

Friday evening, the eleventh, having shaken off whatever it was, I went to Sacramento and picked up Shannon. We were supposed to go shopping for "interview shoes" for her sometime last weekend but we never got around to it. Neither of us are very good shoppers and we don't have much inclination to do so, outside of certain particular interests, so it is unfortunately all too easy for things that involve shopping to get pushed off the calendar, especially if the need is not immediate or urgent. I need to get Crystal the money for it and ask if she wants to help Shannon find some nice footwear.

Woke last night to the sound of thunder, how far off I sat and wondered

On Saturday morning, September 12th, around 6:30 AM, I was awakened by a loud peal of thunder. A full-fledged thunderstorm rolled through Livermore and lasted a respectable half hour before heading off east. I sat on the floor of my bedroom and opened the window blinds and watched the light show. Thunderstorms are one thing I miss about living in the midwest. The thunderstorms are too few and far between. I love to watch them and did so all the time as a kid. I love the way they make the air smell and how they rattle the windows with thunder. I think the last one I've seen has been nearly a year ago.

I'm learning to live without you now but I miss you sometimes

Sunday morning I woke up after having yet another dream of kissing the ex-wife. This one was the second one in the space of two months. Hello, Brain, what gives? Certainly, they're more pleasant and less unnerving than the one I once had of strangling her. In both of these she is the woman I knew when she was in her early twenties. They were quite nice dreams, as dreams go — the ex was no slouch at osculation, and a fun, exciting woman, when she wants to be — but both of these dreams left me waking up wondering just what in the heck was going on with my psyche.

Don't run back inside, Darling, you know just what I'm here for

So, last Tuesday I wrote to someone on OkStupid again. Heh. Shannon thoroughly disapproves of OkStupid. She claims that it's for people who have no life or no luck with people in the off-line world. Yeah, well... Luck has little to do with anything, in my case; you have to actually be trying to be considered either lucky or unlucky. I've been on that goofy site since January 29, 2004. There are fifteen messages in my sent mail folder. I check up on that site just to look, mostly. I'm tempted to say that I don't know what I'm doing with a membership to that site but I kind of do know. I guess I'm keeping a toe in the water or something.

Maybe it's a kind of mental game I play with myself. On one hand, it allows me to tell myself that I'm doing something about meeting new people when I get to wondering if I want to get myself involved with an intimate relationship again. On the other hand, it allows me to keep my distance, most of the time. I can look at many of the people on that site and tell myself that I'm really not all that bad off being a complacent and contented bachelor! The dating scene can be downright crazy. Sometimes its just fascinating to watch what kind of train wrecks happen in that world and consider myself fortunate that they are not happening to me. On the other hand, to be honest, I occasionally find being alone to be somewhat...unsatisfying or even chafing. The thing is, such feelings strike me infrequently. Most of the time I guess I'm like Shrek, content to live in my swamp by myself and not concern myself with going to the trouble of socializing. I have friends, and they tend to be enough socialization for my mental well-being, most of the time. I think of it as a kind of emotional inertia. I tend to go like gangbusters when I finally am moved. I'm something of a romantic and have a tendency to idealize people who impress me. Nevertheless, it can take a lot to get the boulder rolling in the first place. Why that should be I don't know, but there it is.

I don't tend to get inspired by people easily. Maybe I'm cautious. Maybe I'm a bit gun-shy after considering how well I was able to make marriage work for my former spouse and I. Someone once commented about a dream I related on these pages that maybe it suggested "intimacy issues." Heh. Psychology. Everything is a disease; there is normal and then there is pathology. Balderdash. I prefer to think that everyone is unique. We have our ways of dealing with the universe and everyone is trying to figure life out. Perhaps some people get stuck on certain parts. I'm not so sure that these parts automatically represent something that needs to be "fixed." Things unfold the way they do. We learn to dance to the tunes we each hear. We improvise and learn from each other and work on things as we go. The older I get the more that what is "normal" or "abnormal" becomes blurred. Whatever works, survives.

Sometimes though, my interest does get piqued. I suppose that it's a combination of things, really. I happen to notice someone interesting at just the time I happen to be feeling a bit curious about what it would be like to, well, date, again. Serendipity. Heh. It happens occasionally or else I would have never been married and never reproduced in the first place, although, to be honest, I was a lot more "hormone driven" to extrovert myself when I was twenty-something. So anyway, while browsing along on OkStupid and amusing myself with that site's various ideas of who would be "compatible" with me, I ran across someone...intriguing. It's often difficult to consciously identify what it is that attracts one to someone. I think in this case the thing that caught my interest was her picture. It's not a well-composed shot as it clips off the top of her head. The caption she put on it claims that it is a picture of her when she's sleepy. Even so, she's got an attractive face. It's always the eyes that get me, and they did in this case. This is not a photograph that someone snapped of a sleep-deprived zombie. Also, although the photograph is impromptu and not very composed, the expression on the woman's face is not one typical of an off-the-cuff snapshot. It is not the face of someone who is merely mugging for one more picture of themselves at some locale. When you look at this picture and see the woman's eyes it looks like the lights are on. It looks like she's thinking of something, and not something simple, like a bite of desert or sip of wine she's about to enjoy, but something a bit more involved than the immediate circumstances of the photo. It's a good shot. It's one of those pictures that people sometimes get by accident, or at least it looks that way to me.

At any rate, it caught my interest and her profile read like the work of someone who had some good conversations in her and a mind to sustain them. You can't beat that combination. So, wanting to know a little more about the woman I dropped her a note. Heh. That was last week. She popped over once to check out my profile just after she got the note but I haven't heard anything back. Hmm. I probably should not have mentioned the photo. If it's one thing of which an attractive woman probably does not need one more it is yet another note from a guy informing her, even indirectly, that she is easy on the eye. Ugh. I slipped on the banana peel and landed right on my backside. Derr. So, tomorrow it is one week since I sent her a note. I'm tempted to send a follow-up, just to see if I can manage to repair and shore up the impression the first one left to the extent that she's likely to drop me a line in return. Half of me says that this is a lost cause at best, and a right fool's errand at worst, after all, actions speak for themselves and if she had any interest she would have said something in reply. On the other hand, nothing ventured is nothing gained.

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I'll probably never use OkCupid for its intended purpose...

"I slipped on the banana peel and landed right on my backside."

Heh, at least you noticed the banana peel. So many guys don't.
Probably a girl likes being told she's pretty a few conversations after you somehow manage to slip it in what a nice, smart person she is :P.

Banana peels and wiping out and dice.

Heh. The trick is to notice the peel before you step on it, but I think I know what you mean. There are some real knuckle-dragging clods wandering this earth. Given the traditional roles, I think that women have it rougher in the dating world.

Your dice icon brings two things to my mind. The first is a line from a comic called "Wormy" in an old gaming magazine called "Dragon." The line went: "One of these days the dire dice of destiny are going to land on you with both sixes down." The second is the song "Dice" by Finley Quaye.

I've been dreaming about my ex-husband a lot, these last couple weeks, which is strange, because, honestly, most of the time I forget I ever knew him. He is not a figure (even a mental figure) in my daily life. Don't know why he's been popping up in the subconscious. At least your dreams are pleasant. :) Mine are all about the filthy house we lived in and his rejection of me, over and over and over again. Exhausting to live through again, in my sleep.

I wouldn't take anything that happens on OKC too seriously. Some people *cough*likeme*cough* receive so much mail that it's simply impossible to even consider responding to all of it - and usually it's easier to respond to none of it... and ponder whether one should simply delete one's account, because what's the point, if one isn't going to respond to messages? - and other people think it's "just the internet" so you can't actually be rude by failing to acknowledge someone's effort in writing to you.

For whatever it's worth, I once replied to someone when I got a second message from him, saying "I don't know why I'm writing to you again because you blew me off the first time, but I keep coming back to your profile, I think it's something about your eyes." It *ahem* ended up being worth his while.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

Yeah, I could understand writing you twice.

Thanks for the well-wishes. I hardly ever remain sick more than a day or two. Surprisingly enough though, the last such incident was earlier this year.

Hmm, sorry to hear about the dreams. Not that I want to pry, but do you think it's got anything to do with the bad day you were having last week? Stress and rejection would seem to go together like peanut butter and jelly. I suspect that your ex is a complete clod with no taste.

Yeah, sometimes being a guy has its advantages. Guys on OkStupid can pretty much set their own pace. I think I'd feel guilty getting a bunch of mail and not answering, but on the other hand it puts one on the spot and it takes valuable time and mental resources to compose replies to people, especially if you're not interested.

Hmm, after reading such an inspiring story, I am more encouraged, not that I needed much more encouragement, to drop the woman another note.

Re: Yeah, I could understand writing you twice.

Maybe the bad day was because I was dreaming about Josh? :) No, actually, he's basically a good person, just... well... we weren't good together. I was not to his taste.

I do feel guilty. Every time I get another message. To the point of really, really wanting to delete my profile, but being unwilling to abandon all the work of the years answering all those damned questions. Argh.

Write to her again. And I'm going to go look up a message I got the other day... from some guy in California... telling me I'm cute when I'm sleepy. And reply. :)

Re: Yeah, I could understand writing you twice.

I was meaning that if you were stressed and having a bad day for some reason it might have triggered dreams of a time and circumstance where you felt that way before.

I know what you mean about "the years of answering all those damned questions." Heh. I've answered about 2600 of them and taken about 100 of those silly "tests." Some of those questions are hysterical: "If your cat spontaneously caught on fire at the same time you noticed that your neighbor was drowning in the pool next door..."

Ma'am, if you weren't in Texas... ; )

Re: Yeah, I could understand writing you twice.

You flatter.

I knew what you meant. It was a joke. Maybe having a dream about Josh ruined my day and put me in a bad mood... see?

The questions are really compulsive. Every time I submit one it gets rejected because people are too stupid to understand analogy.

I've answered or skipped every question in the database. Yow.

Re: Yeah, I could understand writing you twice.

I'm not attempting to be flattering. If I were flattering I would use outrageous hyperbole. I'm just offering you my opinion. I think you're an intriguing individual. If you weren't in Texas and I in California I think it would be entertaining, interesting, and terribly fun to spend some time in your company.

Well, whatever caused you to be blue that day I'm glad that you're having better days again.

At one time, OkStupid told me that I had answered every question in the database but given that you've answered more than I have I think I've fallen behind on answering the latest additions.

Re: Yeah, I could understand writing you twice.

I think you're an intriguing individual. If you weren't in Texas and I in California I think it would be entertaining, interesting, and terribly fun to spend some time in your company.

And likewise. That's why I asked about IM. :) e-company is better than no company.

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