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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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King of Cups Captain Querent

Sometimes, when I stay up all night, things other than the day dawn on me.

I'm playing a game I can't win...

I was sitting here in my bedroom not sleeping, and thinking about various things, and an insight struck me out of the blue. I tend to become attracted to perfectly wonderful women who seem to have a tragic flaw: they feel the need to "save" a man. Since I generally don't need that much saving, they generally don't get themselves as much attracted to me, either having found, or subsequently finding, a man who needs rescuing more than I do. What a crazy damned dynamic and yet it is a pattern in my life that becomes apparent once I became conscious of it. It's certainly not been every woman to whom I've ever been attracted but, damn, it's happened more than a few times in my life. Where did I pick up such a problematical tendency? What wacky false premise lies at the root of that habit? What the hell makes Florence Nightingale so damned attractive to me if I'm not looking to be saved myself?

On that note, I think I am finally going to crash out and get some sleep. Apparently, flashes of insight can be soporific. Who knew?

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Wow. That's quite pickle.

Florence Nightengale's perspective:
a) If I can help you with your tragic flaw, then you'll be forever appreciative of me, thus creating a lasting relationship;
b) I find my self-worth through "helping" other people (meaning once they're fixed, they're no good to me);
c) I don't much like __ (your hobbies here), yet I realize solid relationships are built on some common interests, so I'll find something in you we can both talk about, namely __ (your issue here).
d) I want a relationship of equals and/or I want to have more power in the relationship, but I do not want to dominate in traditional ways; therefore, I will be agressively nurturing, helpful, useful, etc. while helping you address your issue that imply weakness.

And you might be drawn to some or all of the above because:
a) You like people who are nurturing, caring, thoughtful, insightful, etc.
b) You like strong women and/or relationships of equals.
c) You are (consciously or not) trying to demonstrate to women that you are in fact a better catch than the poor saps who need saving/fixing. In other words, you have better plumage.
d) Which reminds me that we're just animals in pants, so on some level your cavebrain knows that nurturing/fixing women are good for furthering the species, as are men who don't need saving and can take care of themselves, and it's just your limbic system talking. Now that you know that, your whole life will change. Um . . .

Interesting. Now that's a meaty comment.

For what you said about my motivations, A and B are flattering, so I'm all over those reasons. I think they tend to be true, but it's hard to be objective. I try not to compare myself to other people so C is a bit disturbing to consider. As for option D, I don't really need a cavebrain to consider that; I know it consciously. I know for a fact, for example, that my ex's desire for and ability to nurture and care for children was one of the things that made/makes her attractive to me.

As for the female side of the equation, what business of mine is it to figure them out? I'm curious as hell — don't get me wrong — but people are who and what they are for myriad reasons. I find it too easy to make mistakes about other people.

I think it's important not so much to figure out women (all women, all the time) as to understand your reaction and relation. Think of it as a means to gain insight into your own needs, motivations, and whatnot. Maybe then you can either do something differently (if you want a different outcome) or sit back and enjoy the ride with a measure of amusement or enlightenment. But I just created a business plan to take into account my patterns with men, so perhaps I'm not one to ask.

Re: Interesting. Now that's a meaty comment.

I agree with that person on A & B. I can totally see that in you.

I think that no matter how together or self-sufficient we are as humans, all people need people. We don't need to be rescued. We need to be loved. Perhaps, these nurturing woman aren't so much rescuing as loving where there love is well received. I find you very kind and supportive, but not necessarily very "receptive." At any rate it is food for thought from a little fishy.

You have a point. On the other hand, if you knew the people about whom I was thinking, maybe you might think my assessment isn't that far off. I don't know. I suppose, as insights go, that one isn't really absolute; I just thought I saw a pattern.

As for "receptive," there's that perspective of yours again. What's the difference between unreceptive and cautious? It's two different ways of looking at the same phenomenon and coming to entirely different evaluations. Food for thought, indeed.

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