Birthday authorities are combing the woods of eastern Ohio tonight in search of a man accused of dodging his natal anniversary celebrations. Due to the festival desertion an unextinguished fire blanketed several eastern Ohio counties in clouds of waxy birthday candle smoke. The suspect, who goes by the name prolixfootle, is a white, middle aged male often seen dressed in a black Anti-Claus hat.
He is at large, somewhere in eastern Ohio. People are warned that he often carries a camera with which he has been known to shoot local flora and fauna. He is also a cooking-fu master and adept with many dangerous-looking kitchen implements. He is considered armed and is known to be in possession of a razor wit. If encountered, be advised that reminding the fugitive that it is his birthday may act to disarm him.