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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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Montecristo Captain Quixote

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What can I say? I have nothing humorous or uplifting to say here. This entry concerns my day regarding yesterday. Yesterday was horrid. Rotten circumstances happen to the best of people, although I was not my stellar best either, truth be told. That is enough, I should think. I elaborated, but only because I had to dump something somewhere. Some people become violent; some people break things and/or injure themselves; I write. I'd have made this a private post, but that would have kind of defeated the purpose of keeping a public journal. Call it a game of chicken that I play vs myself. Unless you're consumed with morbid curiosity, I'd give it a pass. It's a sordid and vile little nothing that a good night's sleep will ameliorate anyway.

What a shit day this has been. It started off okay, I guess. I was in a reasonable mood. I was going to go to Fry's Electronics in Sacramento today to get my younger daughter a Christmas present and pick up my daughters for a visit this weekend. The elder was going to spend time with me, possibly decorating the tree and things like that and the younger was staying overnight at her best friend's house here in town.

When Jackie, the elder daughter, called and talked about coming down with her mother I told her not to bother about it because I could pick them up, since I had to be in Sacramento today anyway. About half an hour before I was to leave on this errand, the ex calls and says that she needs to come to my house to root through stuff to get some things that she needs/wants and imperiously directs me to have the paperwork ready when she gets there. "The paperwork" consists of my last two pay stubs and the last 401k report on my retirement. Ostensibly, this is needed so that the "justice system" (sic) can figure out how much of my money she needs to be able to raise my children without me while carrying on with someone else in style. Unfortunately for her, this is not very high on my priority list. I have plenty on my plate to keep me busy without even starting to consider the insult-to-injury factor her little requested procedure represents in the first place. I've been trying to get the house ready, as the landlady is getting a contractor in here bright and early Monday morning (yes, in the middle of Christmas week) to do some remodeling and repairs, and I've got all this holiday stuff to get ready, by myself no less. It also didn't help that I had neglected to have breakfast or lunch yet, which never ever does my temper any good. Suffice it to say that I was not really ready to drop everything to accommodate her, and I told her so. So, she told me she'd just have the court subpoena the paperwork and then I could pay the court costs too. Needless to say, after eighteen years of living with me you'd think she'd have been smart enough to know that threatening me is the absolute quickest way to not to get what she wants out of me, and I pointed this out to her, whereupon she hung up on me, which she also knows is another of my pet peeves.

A few minutes later, she calls back and tells me to forget the paperwork, she's just going to come in and browse through her "offsite warehouse" (our former home) and get some more things she wants, (after damned near stripping it bare to begin with, anyway, through my generosity and acquiescence, without any sort of legal agreement in force at all) and that she'll be dropping off the children, Jackie to my house, Shannon to her friend's house. Of course, at this point, I was pissed off too much to figure up from down and I told her that I had already made plans and I was going to go ahead with them. So I did. I went to the trouble of tacking a hasty (and rather brusque) note to the door for her explaining exactly how badly I wished her to piss off and leave me alone today and enclosed my latest check stubs and explained that she'd get the damned 401k report when I got around to it. The latter document is only published quarterly, and I am not the most diligent man about filing. For all I know, I've lost it, unless it's buried in the earlier reports which I have kept. Whatever. I went to get breakfast/lunch (it was already 3:30) and then headed to Fry's in Sacramento.

At any rate, when I get home tonight, the nasty-gram I left on the door was gone and a note from my elder daughter had replaced it. The note said that she was sorry to have missed me and to call her later. Yes, sorry indeed. Now I owe Jackie an apology, because I did tell her earlier that I was looking forward to seeing her. When I got in, there was a phone call on the answering machine, which I played anyway, even though I knew exactly who had left it. Yes, the ex felt motivated to call just to let me know that "my antics" hadn't hurt her at all and had merely succeeded in disappointing my daughter. Well gee, if it hadn't been for her thoughtful update, I'd have probably never figured THAT out.

That's the problem with Crystal -- it's always all about her. Yes, I have nothing better to do all damned day than sit around figuring out new and crueler ways of "hurting" a woman who doesn't give a damn about me in the first place. Balderdash. Just for the sake of argument, assuming that I was that malicious, I am not that stupid. You can only be hurt if you care. I'd say cheating on your spouse and then divorcing him to run off with the person you're fucking is a pretty clear announcement that you don't give a rat's ass about him at all. I can think of very few activities more futile than trying to hurt her. She's so calloused she's bulletproof, at least beyond any poor effort on my part -- like I don't damned well know that. How well did that woman ever know me?

No, it would never ever occur to Crystal that it was not "all about her." How quick she is to assume that the only reason for any action of mine is that I wish to hurt her. It would never occur to her that I was in no fit state to deal with her today, and the little pleasantries we had exchanged earlier had left me even less fit for that. God, that woman can be so damned callous and emotionally tin-eared. No, it never would occur to her that after everything else going on right now, and the stupid stresses of dealing with this idiotic house, and living single again, and dealing with a holiday, and our children who only "visit" me and who must be returned to their mother's little fuck-nest at the end of every such little dispensation, that I would be in no mood right now to drop everything to accommodate her request to spend some quality time rummaging through our personal possessions divvying them up like loot. It would never occur to her that her actions had any impact on my peace of mind at all. It would never occur to her that I did not want to see her today, not to look at her, not to have her in our house as an invader, not to have her in close proximity to me, not to run the risk of touching her, or catching her scent, or hearing her voice...of remembering, anything, everything. In short, I did not want to even consider her existence today, because I find the current state of our lives entirely too painful to contemplate for me today, but that is something which would never, in a million years, occur to Captain Callous.

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Oh man, I feel for you. Sorry things were in the shitter.

Thanks Footle. Yeah, some days it does get shitty. Nevertheless, I am already in a somewhat better frame of mind today than I was yesterday.

I'm so sorry it got so ugly. She does sound like a selfish, callous woman and while I'm sure it's no consolation now (since she broke up your family), but it does sound like you'll be better off in the long run without her. People like her are poisonous; it seems that their only purpose in life is to drag you down with them. Unfortunately, your daughters also feel the brunt of her actions and I think the only thing you can do is to try to make them feel as comfortable as possible during this whole ordeal. It's not like their mother gives a shit about anything but herself and her "possessions".

Over time, I can see you meeting a nice, caring woman who can appreciate you for who you are - someone who will want to know you for you and who will take your feelings into consideration. You're far too special to be stuck with a contemptible person such as Crystal and I think you will realize this over time (if you don't already).

I know your life right now is in flux and it's depressing. But I promise you that it will get better and I think you'll find that your life will be even more full when you surround yourself with people worthy of your company. Until then, make life for those girls as painless as possible and if you don't feel up to dealing with the ex, then don't. It'll get easier the less you care about her. And frankly, though I know you've spent such a long time with her, she doesn't warrant or deserve your consideration except as the children's mother.

I wish you had someone who was there to give you a big hug and tell you that everything is going to be okay. Because it will.

Hey, it's good to hear from you...

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's good to see you turn up. When I saw that you left work with YIM still logged in, I was somewhat worried as to what it could be that had called you away so suddenly that you would forget, or worse, be unable, to shut down. I hope everything is okay in your end of the world too.

Contrary to what my bitter rantings would imply, Crystal is not all that contemptible, as hard to bear as some of her actions have been to tolerate or even understand. As furious as I have ever been with her, I cannot hate her, or even hold her in contempt for very long. For all of the mistakes I have ever made in life, marrying a malicious woman is not one which I would ever make, and I didn't. It isn't malice, or even greed, really. I know that she believes that what she is doing is necessary. She just doesn't know when she is standing on my heart in her cleats, and to be fair and tell you the truth, I have made as much of the same mistakes with her, according to her.

I do share your optimism. There are quite a few wonderful people in the world, statistically, half of them women. The problem is finding someone with whom you can work compatibly enough that you can build a wonderful life. For the last twelve years I believed, as problematical as it was, that that was Crystal. For the last two decades, I have spent my time, resources, and emotions building something with her. To my mind such an edifice is something full of things which cannot, should not, ever be broken. On some days I am in foolish denial that this edifice is irrevokably coming down around my ears, whether I wanted it to or not. It is a gordian knot of tangled and entwined values and nerves, and somedays, Alexander's blade feels like a cold, dull hacksaw.

The funny thing is, I know it will get better. It is one of the few things upon which I am in complete agreeement with Mr. Nietzsche: that that which does not kill us only makes us stronger. I have seen definite inklings of better, even in the midst of the mess. I have a well-grounded understanding that better does indeed exist. I find that after a good night's sleep and a nice hot breakfast, I am somewhat better able to put things back in perspective, even if it is a disappointing perspective right now.

Thanks again for the kind wishes. I really do appreciate them! I am certain that today will be much brighter than yesterday. I am too stubborn, and ornery a cuss full of self-esteem, to stay miserable for too long.

Re: Hey, it's good to hear from you...

I am too stubborn, and ornery a cuss full of self-esteem, to stay miserable for too long.

Ditto on that. :) And only the two of you know how your relationship worked (and how it didn't). Best of luck to you through this.

I found you through "Name that tune"

... and since I have a vocabulary fetish, I couldn't help but be drawn here. :o)

Your ex sounds like a piece of work. It's a shame that she feels the need to put your children in the middle of her materialism. From reading only this post of yours, I gather that you're still smarting from her behavior; behavior that nobody deserves.

Having been in a similar circumstance, albeit sans children, the only advice I can offer is to never let her win her self-induced war by letting her know she's got your goat. There will be no sweeter satisfaction than watching her get worked up due to her own attempts at angering you.

I'd also get the locks changed. There's obviously no reason for her to have a key anymore, is there?

*clinks coffee mug* Here's to 1963- it was a very good year. :o)

Re: I found you through "Name that tune"

Hmmm, thanks for the comment. Perhaps my vehemence has left something of a wrong impression. It's not really greed, nor is it malice either. She's really not a malicious woman, nor to be bitterly honest, is she really all that callous. She's just blind, and always has been. We've been stepping on each other's toes like this for years. Tragedy is often not about evil at all, but that takes none of the sting out of it. Also, to be perfectly honest, it was me who put my daughter "in the middle" just because I did not feel like dealing with her mother at all yesterday.

You needed a me day is right! Things do get better with time, but the holidays make it tough. Positive thoughts sent your way and your kids should realize and not hold anything against you.


Yucky, my dear.

Remind me to never ever get married.

May your days be brighter.

Now I've gone and inspired cynicism. My bad. Yeah, it was yucky yesterday, but cynicism is a far more bitter and insidious poison, Hon; don't be drinking from that cup. Risk naught, win naught. If I had a time machine and could go back and advise myself on my decision to marry my ex, I would advise me to do exactly what I did, even now. I have two beautiful daughters and two decades of wonderful experiences which are mine for life, and which I would not trade for anything, no matter what has happened. If anything, my experiences have made me a braver man with my heart than ever I was as a boy. I feel much better today.

Well- I'm certainly glad you feel better.

PS: I'm semi cynical about finding "true love forever and ever" anyway. It doesn't stop me from hoping.

Hope is that quality that allows you to recognize the opportunity for true love when you have the chance of making it. Heh heh, I don't see how anyone who compares herself to Amélie Poulain could ever be much of a cynic, anyway. Don't ever lose the sense of hope -- it's an endearing virtue.

Oddly enough it was Kevin, my ex-fiance that said I reminded him of Amelie...

"although I think you make a much prettier Amelie than Ms. Tautou did. ; )".

O STOP!!!.

I think my friend(s) were far more accurate with the "Marla Singer" comparison. I actually agree on that one.

I think my friend(s) were far more accurate with the "Marla Singer" comparison. I actually agree on that one.

I did ask you why, Lady. Do I get an answer? I finally got around to watching that movie the other day and other than a few things which strike me as superficial, I don't see the connection. What makes them right and me wrong...or could it be vice versa?

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