Robert (Bro. Pepper-spray of Reasoned Discussion) (montecristo) wrote,
Robert (Bro. Pepper-spray of Reasoned Discussion)

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What can I say? I have nothing humorous or uplifting to say here. This entry concerns my day regarding yesterday. Yesterday was horrid. Rotten circumstances happen to the best of people, although I was not my stellar best either, truth be told. That is enough, I should think. I elaborated, but only because I had to dump something somewhere. Some people become violent; some people break things and/or injure themselves; I write. I'd have made this a private post, but that would have kind of defeated the purpose of keeping a public journal. Call it a game of chicken that I play vs myself. Unless you're consumed with morbid curiosity, I'd give it a pass. It's a sordid and vile little nothing that a good night's sleep will ameliorate anyway.

What a shit day this has been. It started off okay, I guess. I was in a reasonable mood. I was going to go to Fry's Electronics in Sacramento today to get my younger daughter a Christmas present and pick up my daughters for a visit this weekend. The elder was going to spend time with me, possibly decorating the tree and things like that and the younger was staying overnight at her best friend's house here in town.

When Jackie, the elder daughter, called and talked about coming down with her mother I told her not to bother about it because I could pick them up, since I had to be in Sacramento today anyway. About half an hour before I was to leave on this errand, the ex calls and says that she needs to come to my house to root through stuff to get some things that she needs/wants and imperiously directs me to have the paperwork ready when she gets there. "The paperwork" consists of my last two pay stubs and the last 401k report on my retirement. Ostensibly, this is needed so that the "justice system" (sic) can figure out how much of my money she needs to be able to raise my children without me while carrying on with someone else in style. Unfortunately for her, this is not very high on my priority list. I have plenty on my plate to keep me busy without even starting to consider the insult-to-injury factor her little requested procedure represents in the first place. I've been trying to get the house ready, as the landlady is getting a contractor in here bright and early Monday morning (yes, in the middle of Christmas week) to do some remodeling and repairs, and I've got all this holiday stuff to get ready, by myself no less. It also didn't help that I had neglected to have breakfast or lunch yet, which never ever does my temper any good. Suffice it to say that I was not really ready to drop everything to accommodate her, and I told her so. So, she told me she'd just have the court subpoena the paperwork and then I could pay the court costs too. Needless to say, after eighteen years of living with me you'd think she'd have been smart enough to know that threatening me is the absolute quickest way to not to get what she wants out of me, and I pointed this out to her, whereupon she hung up on me, which she also knows is another of my pet peeves.

A few minutes later, she calls back and tells me to forget the paperwork, she's just going to come in and browse through her "offsite warehouse" (our former home) and get some more things she wants, (after damned near stripping it bare to begin with, anyway, through my generosity and acquiescence, without any sort of legal agreement in force at all) and that she'll be dropping off the children, Jackie to my house, Shannon to her friend's house. Of course, at this point, I was pissed off too much to figure up from down and I told her that I had already made plans and I was going to go ahead with them. So I did. I went to the trouble of tacking a hasty (and rather brusque) note to the door for her explaining exactly how badly I wished her to piss off and leave me alone today and enclosed my latest check stubs and explained that she'd get the damned 401k report when I got around to it. The latter document is only published quarterly, and I am not the most diligent man about filing. For all I know, I've lost it, unless it's buried in the earlier reports which I have kept. Whatever. I went to get breakfast/lunch (it was already 3:30) and then headed to Fry's in Sacramento.

At any rate, when I get home tonight, the nasty-gram I left on the door was gone and a note from my elder daughter had replaced it. The note said that she was sorry to have missed me and to call her later. Yes, sorry indeed. Now I owe Jackie an apology, because I did tell her earlier that I was looking forward to seeing her. When I got in, there was a phone call on the answering machine, which I played anyway, even though I knew exactly who had left it. Yes, the ex felt motivated to call just to let me know that "my antics" hadn't hurt her at all and had merely succeeded in disappointing my daughter. Well gee, if it hadn't been for her thoughtful update, I'd have probably never figured THAT out.

That's the problem with Crystal -- it's always all about her. Yes, I have nothing better to do all damned day than sit around figuring out new and crueler ways of "hurting" a woman who doesn't give a damn about me in the first place. Balderdash. Just for the sake of argument, assuming that I was that malicious, I am not that stupid. You can only be hurt if you care. I'd say cheating on your spouse and then divorcing him to run off with the person you're fucking is a pretty clear announcement that you don't give a rat's ass about him at all. I can think of very few activities more futile than trying to hurt her. She's so calloused she's bulletproof, at least beyond any poor effort on my part -- like I don't damned well know that. How well did that woman ever know me?

No, it would never ever occur to Crystal that it was not "all about her." How quick she is to assume that the only reason for any action of mine is that I wish to hurt her. It would never occur to her that I was in no fit state to deal with her today, and the little pleasantries we had exchanged earlier had left me even less fit for that. God, that woman can be so damned callous and emotionally tin-eared. No, it never would occur to her that after everything else going on right now, and the stupid stresses of dealing with this idiotic house, and living single again, and dealing with a holiday, and our children who only "visit" me and who must be returned to their mother's little fuck-nest at the end of every such little dispensation, that I would be in no mood right now to drop everything to accommodate her request to spend some quality time rummaging through our personal possessions divvying them up like loot. It would never occur to her that her actions had any impact on my peace of mind at all. It would never occur to her that I did not want to see her today, not to look at her, not to have her in our house as an invader, not to have her in close proximity to me, not to run the risk of touching her, or catching her scent, or hearing her voice...of remembering, anything, everything. In short, I did not want to even consider her existence today, because I find the current state of our lives entirely too painful to contemplate for me today, but that is something which would never, in a million years, occur to Captain Callous.


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