The jungle is your head, can't rule your heart...
I finally sat down and had a conversation with Ms Reason. I thought it would be more difficult, given her unusual reticence with regard to the question about Laurel. I know from whence the reticence came. I can't blame her. She was only trying to protect me, but was afraid that I wasn't in the mood to listen and that I would fight her if she tried to press the issue. That's something my real mother never really grasped. I think she was also worried about showing me some things I was afraid to know and learn. Laurel tried to tell me, but I was inclined to disagree. I'm smart enough to know she's often onto something when she says what she says and curious enough to want to find out for sure though, before just denying things, knee-jerk fashion.
Ms. Reason was founded on an idealization of my mother. Most of her is a bunch of things I wished my real mother could be, or that I wished she would be more like. The thing is, when you create these inner persona, it is not a conscious act. You don't have full control, maybe not even much control, over how these "people" come into existence and how they evolve. Other things get in as well, sometimes these things aren't so good, are scary, are damaged, or dangerous. Ms. Reason showed me her other face, and she made me understand and believe the nature of that other face. She scared the living fuck out of me. Literally. The hair on the back of my neck stood up. I didn't know she could do that! That's never happened before [I've been saying that a lot, lately]. Her other face is that of Maleficent. Hey, it could have been worse. At least it wasn't the weird, scary, eyeless, dessicated face of poor old Norman Bates's mummy. I probably would have had a heart attack!
Ms. Reason holds all the keys to this joint. It stands to reason, doesn't it? Ultimately, we come to understand ourselves through reason. She can't give a key to me until and unless I know about the existence of a door to which a key fits and how to ask for the key. I learned that tracking down Mr. Misanthrope, although I used a different metaphor for the process, at the time. Later I learned more by talking to Ms. Reason about that adventure. Damn, I cannot get over my amazement at how this stuff works! I wish I had known about this YEARS ago.
All of this, all of this can be yours. Just give me what I want, and no one gets hurt...
That mechanism is both a blessing and a curse. She'll give me anything I want. She will give me things I may not know how to use wisely, or even benevolently. She works like the Krell Machine from the movie Forbidden Planet. Francis Bacon, meet Lord Acton: Knowledge is power and power tends to corrupt. Knowledge, like money, can provide you with things you value, but neither knowledge or money, in and of themselves, can tell you what to value or how to find values. I found that I can fail Stanley Milgram's test, under the right conditions. I had always prided myself on being someone who would have passed that test. Yeah, it's true, I would have, the way Milgram was running it. He just wasn't controlling for the right variables, in my case. That was a bitter, bitter pill to swallow. Damned Red Pills, anyway. Why can't they make them at least taste as good as the Blue ones?
I can't post that conversation here. I started to do so, but that was actually part of what was disturbing and scary about it. Maybe later, when I've figured more out, I can figure a way to get it into here. I started writing a bunch down but it can't be posted yet.
I'm at a place called Vertigo. It's everything I wish I didn't know, but you give me something I can feel.
DJ isn't afraid of Laurel, nor does she not like her. What she said to me when she played that song phrase for me last weekend was a warning about things I needed to learn from Ms. Reason and things about my line of inquiry of which I needed to beware, before I said things I shouldn't without sufficient care. Shit.