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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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King of Cups Captain Querent

Farewell to Myst, and Azeroth, and Telara, and the Galaxy, Far, Far Away

The porn is a drug. The drug I took because I was frustrated in certain attempts to find intimacy and connection. Of this I became aware. When I became aware of it, it became obvious to me. After all, the porn features women, displayed in blatantly sexual mode, high-charged femininity. It was easy to see that porn was a poor substitute for connection to the real thing and genuine intimacy. I just wonder why it took me so long.

The video games were a surprise. Again, just this afternoon, conversation with Laurel supplied some missing perspective in me. She pointed out that exploring the spaces of these make-believe worlds is a substitute for exploring the space of a woman's body. I was thunderstruck. When she said it, she ran her hands over her face and her body and made me feel it in my body, to run my senses over the terrain of a receptive female, OR spend energy exploring the foreign, beautiful, but deceptive terrain of an alien fantasy landscape, and I could no more reject the idea than I could deny the existence of gravity. All that exploration of alien maps, it is a substitute for the exploration of feminine terrain. The games have got to go, just as much as the porn does. Once again, I know what I have to do, now. Once I understand the connection, once I can see it, it becomes obvious what must be done. I can have her or the junk. Is this even a question? Given the choice between the two, who wants the junk? How easy can it get?

She pointed out all the ways that I dissipate my masculine energy in substitutions for having a woman. All these years of wondering why the pull, the longing, was so sporadic, why I would feel its influence and then it would go away. It was me who was diffusing it, dissipating it. She pointed out her physicist friend's cats was his way of avoiding intimacy, that they brought a kind of feminine grace and motion into his life and his personal space. I got to thinking about my cat, Kuu, and I realized that she was right. There is something about my feline pet that is comforting, and in a small way, compensates for the lack of female companionship in my home. I'm not about to put Kuu out of my home, but I realze now that I have to be careful about feeding my appetites on substitutes! If I want a woman, especially one like Laurel, I am going to have to stay focused!

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I don't like this line of reasoning at all. In fact, I think it's pretty bad advice.

When I was a kid I sought and obtained plenty of pr0n. When I was a kid, the family owned a cat, and I took great pleasure in petting it and letting it curl under the covers with me on cold nights, and tapping my chest so it would jump up into my arms and lay its paws across my shoulder and be happily carried around in the grass around my house. I spent more time with that cat than any other member of my family did.

The pr0n was an outlet for a river of hormones. It kept me thoroughly hooked on sex well into my adult life, and every woman I've dated past the age of 30 has commented happily on how much I still enjoy sex - unlike so many other men they'd dated in the same age group. When I'm in a relationship, I tend to have sex once about every two days. When I'm not in one, I tend to masturbate just exactly as often. Would you tell a member of a barbershop quartet to stop singing in the shower because it "ruins his urge" to sing on stage? Or because it's dampening his otherwise intense and "more appropriate" urge to invite his bandmates in for a group shower? No, and no, obviously.

It was never a substitute for conversation with women, and in college I finally met women I could really talk to, and talking to them I realized was even better than sex, and sex with someone I talked to was even better still. Thank goodness I wasn't utterly dependent on them for sexual release, or I'd have stuck with some pretty unsuitable people, and probably taken breakups a lot worse than I already did.

The cat turned out to be practice for caring for another person, and a rehearsal for how to responsively run my hands over a woman's body. I didn't see that coming, but I'm glad it worked out. I own a cat myself, now. A refugee from my eight-year marriage. Every woman I dated since then adored her, and remarked about how great it is I have a cat. What better evidence that they, too, will be treated well?

I go tromping around in adventure games partially because I have a vivid internal life, and enjoy embellishing the gaming experience with my own interpretation and thoughts, and because I appreciate art, and design, and puzzles, and because the caves and forests remind me of where I grew up. A substitute for a woman's body? Hardly. Even during times of my life when I was practically besieged by multiple dating partners for sex, swapping between them from day to day and feeling overwhelmed, I would still sometimes carve time in my schedule specifically for smacking ghouls in Skyrim, because it was so different.

And also, I have had in-depth conversations, with a handful of women - certainly not all the women I've met or been intimate with, because they all have had such varied ideas, but a handful of women - who had some straight-up incorrect ideas about what men used pr0n for, what they got from it in general or could get from it, and what I got from it specifically, and clung to their ideas in spite of my own honest explanations of my own relationship with it, either because they just couldn't fathom it, or because it threatened their own convenient self-consistent ideas about men and how they "should" function.

To be specific, they each had an unshakable opinion that pr0n was "bad", and they each believed that it was an enemy of both sexual fidelity to, and emotional intimacy with, women.

Hogwash. Pr0n will not make you into an asshole. But it will not cure it either. It will not make you into a womanizer. It will not abate your need for intimacy, just for sex. If you are using a need for sex to spur you into finding intimacy, you are not doing you or a woman you would date any favors. I'll agree that pr0n can slowly warp your tastes, but good old fashioned experience and intimacy can warp them right back. I think I've always had a weakness for light skin just because I used to watch pr0n on an old black-and-white television. But on the other hand, I've always had a weakness for red hair and freckles because I had a second-cousin playmate with red hair and freckles when I was about six years old, and I liked her a lot. Either way I was imbued with pointlessly arbitrary tastes that later relaxed.

Bloodletting is such a primitive way to cure an ill.

If you're going to meet a woman who is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed and likes you for you, then you need to turn yourself into the kind of person you seek. And I'm not talking sex change here obviously, I'm talking self-actualization: Get your mojo back. A person likes dating a person who has their mojo. A person who is able to rely, without needing to depend. You've crossed a whole lot of the typical goals off the checklist; time to get creative.

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