The video games were a surprise. Again, just this afternoon, conversation with Laurel supplied some missing perspective in me. She pointed out that exploring the spaces of these make-believe worlds is a substitute for exploring the space of a woman's body. I was thunderstruck. When she said it, she ran her hands over her face and her body and made me feel it in my body, to run my senses over the terrain of a receptive female, OR spend energy exploring the foreign, beautiful, but deceptive terrain of an alien fantasy landscape, and I could no more reject the idea than I could deny the existence of gravity. All that exploration of alien maps, it is a substitute for the exploration of feminine terrain. The games have got to go, just as much as the porn does. Once again, I know what I have to do, now. Once I understand the connection, once I can see it, it becomes obvious what must be done. I can have her or the junk. Is this even a question? Given the choice between the two, who wants the junk? How easy can it get?
She pointed out all the ways that I dissipate my masculine energy in substitutions for having a woman. All these years of wondering why the pull, the longing, was so sporadic, why I would feel its influence and then it would go away. It was me who was diffusing it, dissipating it. She pointed out her physicist friend's cats was his way of avoiding intimacy, that they brought a kind of feminine grace and motion into his life and his personal space. I got to thinking about my cat, Kuu, and I realized that she was right. There is something about my feline pet that is comforting, and in a small way, compensates for the lack of female companionship in my home. I'm not about to put Kuu out of my home, but I realze now that I have to be careful about feeding my appetites on substitutes! If I want a woman, especially one like Laurel, I am going to have to stay focused!