Montecristo Captain Quixote

montecristo

The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world


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King of Cups Captain Querent
montecristo

The nimbleness of an oread

Laurel helps me with my thinking. I love talking to her. When I do, it makes me realize things that I may have known but failed to acknowledge or internalize. Laurel helps me grok things. I'm falling for her.

There is a problem though, from my perspective. Laurel claims to want a moral, ethical man. Fair enough, this is yet one more reason to value her. The thing is, the more ethically I attempt to behave with respect to her the more scared or distressed she seems to become. I was talking about protecting her from some of the emotional wash likely to be coming from me in this process of confronting some of my issues. I didn't want to see her get hurt and I do not want to mooch spiritual values from her or use her. She had the weirdest reaction. She kind of fell back onto her pillow and got this trance-like expression on her face. She brought her hand up and was unconsciously touching her face on the cheek, near her mouth, with her fingers. She seemed kind of distressed. I asked her what she was feeling. She told me that she felt dizzy and that nobody had ever said anything like that to her before. Wow. Has she never had a man be concerned for her feelings and her heart before? She's gone off again, "to mull things over."

Very well, I'll respect that. She's trying to set a boundary of some sort. I cannot love her if I don't respect the boundaries she sets. I just can't help wondering though, about the why of this one. She did tell me the why, in an e-mail, and I think I understand what she is feeling and can empathize. The thing is though, her reaction and her method of setting this boundary seems like a fear reaction. There are things she does not wish to discuss with me, despite my willingness, nay eagerness, to discuss things of a similar nature about me, with her. She does not want to discuss her baggage, her "damage" as the IFS people call it, at least not with me. She will talk about all the trauma that was in her life, and it seems she would have a lot of damage from that, but when it comes to acknowledging the nature of the wounds and scars themselves, she is remarkably agile in dodging the subject.

Is it possible that she has intimacy issues as well? Is it possible that she is battling self-esteem problems? Those are two that might possibly fit the pattern I am beginning to sense. It's too soon to tell, and she's not talking right now. She told me not to write her until I had some more clarity. Is it my clarity that is the issue here? It makes me wonder. I've got to do some more thinking, myself. Perhaps this hiatus will be useful, however much I miss her attention and interaction.

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