Tonight, Tom and I are going to put together another cover letter and confidentiality agreement for another potential investor into that mining project on which he and I have been working. At least this party seems interested enough in the other minerals known to be present to consider funding the drilling for the theorized gold deposits. This should be interesting. I hope Tom gets his money soon. After all this time, it will be good to see if Ted's theory is correct and there is gold down there.
So, I didn't hear back from L. after writing her and asking about why she would be still reading this page three weeks after we decided to not say anymore to one another. I suppose I should have expected as much. I tend to ask the kind of questions she is disinclined or unable to answer. It fits the pattern. I suspect that she won't be reading anymore, or say anything to me if she does. I don't get the impression that she is the obsessive type. Maybe she just had the address of this page on some sort of feed aggregator and just forgot to delete it when she burned the other bridges. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter whose fault anything was. We are the people we are and neither of us are villains or scoundrels. I think her interaction with me pushed or inspired her to resume patterns of behavior and habits that were not in her best interest. She said as much herself. I wasn't listening; I was too busy feeling, and yes, being needy, as hard as the latter is to admit. Who needs that? Neither of us deserves that. It doesn't matter now. It still hurts, but when I think about where things went and how I feel about them this morning, I guess I have to say that I feel "cleaner" somehow to have this thing, whatever it was or was not, behind me. It really was kind of silly and counter-productive, even looking at things logistically, not to mention emotionally/spiritually. It was good to discover though, that I could feel intimacy and involvement and care about and be pulled and inspired by a lovely woman again. I was beginning to doubt, before meeting her, and that was very corrosive and dispiriting to my psyche. I'm quite happy to find myself wrong about that phenomenon. As Martha Stewart says: "It's a good thing!" I won't regret her; she was indeed fine and sweet, despite how things turned out. I'm working on accepting her as gone. I picked up some other good habits, got rid of a few bad ones, and found some other good information interacting with her as well. In any event, I need to consider what I need more carefully and identify these things more clearly for myself. I've been working on that.
I'm back from lunch: another lunch hour, another 3.6 miles walked. Crystal posted this flower meme on her FB page last week. Despite my usual lack of enthusiasm for silly memes, I decided to play with her. She assigned me delphinium to post on my page. I was almost certain, after looking them up, that I could find some on my walk and shoot a picture of them with my phone. Alas, what I thought might be delphinium, on closer examination, is most certainly not. I snaped a picture of whatever it is for comparison. I suppose I shall have to "cheat" and do an internet image search for one.
On my walk past the new Target store here in Alameda, I notice that the development going on in that neighborhood seems to entail putting up a mall. I saw a Michaels facade going up. Does Alameda really need yet another mall? Have none of these people read any Mises and the Austrian Business Cycle? How can these people believe that they have a sound market analysis and business model when the Federal Reserve Bank has been earnestly severing the link between borrowers and lenders, consumers and producers, lenders and customers ever since the bank's inception? Haven't there been enough bubbles and crashes for them to start to sense the pattern? Oh well, the truth is, the developers don't care, as long as the banks lend them money. The contractors don't care as long as they collect a paycheck...this month. The public doesn't care, after all, "Jaaaaaahhhhhbs!" The banks don't care, as long as they believe that the Fed will bail them out when they blow up the market again, or as long as they are able to foist off the dubious loans onto market-mainia besotted investors as collateralized debt obligations. The Keynesian idiots pretty much have everyone thoroughly brain-washed, and the politicians are pretty much perfectly happy subsidizing the jackals to do it as it vindicates and improves their vote-buying efforts. As has been observed, insanity consists of doing the same thing over and over again and expecting to get different results. Oh well, the gyres get wider and wider: the center cannot hold.
I've started doing that exercise that Gerlach recommends: stop during the day and notice the following:
- I see:
- I smell/taste:
- I hear:
- I think:
- I feel:
- I need:
I think I've always been pretty good about the seeing and smelling one, and the hearing one, as well, although many times what I am hearing is Internal DJ spinning a tune in my head. I have to think and become conscious of whatever other sounds may be going on in my environment at the time as well. When I first started doing this exercise, a couple of weeks ago, I noticed that I tended to think of it mostly when I was in the car, instead of at home or at work. I would end up saying that I smelled air conditioning, I saw passing cars, heard tires on the freeway. I'm getting more frequent about things now, with practice. The thing that is new about this experience is asking myself what I think, what I feel, and what I need. Those don't come as easily as being aware of the physical sensations. I asked myself the questions a few times on today's walk. I came up with things like this one:
- I see a mostly-clear sunny blue California sky with cirrus clouds in it.
- I hear crows cawing to one another and squirrels scurrying for cover. I also hear Simon and Garfunkel's, "59th Street Bridge Song" playing in my head, courtesy of Internal DJ.
- I smell flowers in bloom. (There is always something blooming in California, year-round.)
- I think some of this stuff I have been picking up might be useful, despite what I think of some of the sources.
- I feel the burn of the walk in my leg muscles, but it's not really very bad yet. I also feel a lot calmer and more centered today than I did yesterday.
- I need to work on keeping my sense of perspective. It isn't easy.
I've also been playing around with that breathing thing suggested in the David Deida book. He's got this Yoga/chakra thing about breathing all the way down your front and then exhaling "up your spine." OK, the "breathing down your front" part is easy, and actually feels pretty good, despite what I think of the idea of "opening one's chakras." It makes me feel like snickering. I'm not quite sure what he thinks he means by the idea of exhaling up one's spine, but I guess I can exhale out my nose and imagine what he's suggesting, although I'm not quite sure what that part of the exercise is supposed to do for me. That Superior Man book is full of stuff like that. Deida is a certified fruitcake mystic but that does not mean that he is entirely without useful insights. He's into things like what I call "mensch kegels" as well, but I already knew about those, and have practiced that particular exercise for some time. I have absolutely no idea what he means about "ejaculating up your spine," but I am sure that he is a freak. I must confess though, my inner pervert is intrigued, and always has been, to know if that tantric stuff is really all that. I suppose I shall have to find a local partner to try that stuff out though. That will have to wait until at least after January. I need to lie fallow, and think, without considering diving back into the great companionship hunt again, before I have sorted some things out. At any rate, I'm still not finished reading that book. It's hard to digest. I find myself in turns repulsed and intrigued by what the guy says, even though I fear most of it is neocheating, as per Wallace's "Neo-tech", since I'm giving all the crackpots a shout out today. Seriously though, Deida makes his bank "building a mystery." I probably wouldn't have even picked up the book had I not been intrigued by the suggestion of the erstwhile ex-semi-sorta-internet-girlfriend and joined that Gilad group. Intriguing ideas turn up in the craziest places.