In the darkness there'll be hidden worlds that shine, when I hold Candy close she makes those hidden worlds mine
Can a man survive on three hours of sleep? I think he can thrive on it. I spent the night talking to Laurel on Skype again. I know the sleep deficit is not good for me in the long run, but I think the spiritual value I derive from spending time in her company outweighs the lack of sleep, in the short term.
I feel so centered and calm after talking to her, neither wired nor dragging, the next day. Usually, a night without sleep leaves me emotionally jangly and frazzled. I don't feel that way after talking with her. I told Tom at dinner last night that I would almost certainly not be talking with Laurel that evening. I figured we both still had a bit of sleep deficit to catch up from our last all-nighter. Instead, I got lucky, and she wanted to talk. I'm trying to be responsible...but it is so hard
I don't know if she understands exactly what she does for me. It's incredible. I feel like I can use all four of my MBTI functions when I'm interacting with her. I get flashes of insight for a couple of days after talking with her. Even just the attempt to put myself into her mode of thinking often yields surprising flashes of insight and tends to render my thinking about certain things sharper and clearer. Just being around her makes using my Sensing, even my Feeling, my weak function, seem and feel so ridiculously easy. I feel that I can feel things when she and I talk about them. The things of which I am afraid, and I am, too full of foolish, intractable fears, recede into the background distance when she and I get on video and practice "being fully present."
I realize what happens when I'm around her. In my head, in my Thinking and iNtuition, I understand the changes that happen in me from interacting with her, how I feel. Jackie told me that I sound different on the phone. I suspect she means that my voice sounds deeper and less tense. I thought I might have noticed that myself, but I wasn't sure that the perception reflected a real change until Jackie mentioned it.
Laurel wrote me:
I hope you understand that it is a compliment to what I perceive as your mind-masculinity that I am open to sharing these reams of thoughts and feelings with you. I perceive that solidity in you, so I experience that I can do this. That you create order out of my swirling, my storm, whatever it is that is just too much for me to order.
I've never had this to quite this degree before. It's freaky and weird, but beautiful. This state of clarity