Robert (Bro. Pepper-spray of Reasoned Discussion) (montecristo) wrote,
Robert (Bro. Pepper-spray of Reasoned Discussion)

'Cause I wanna know, and it's a strange condition, a day in prison

Sunday evening, after I had finished doing my laundry and taking care of the garbage, I was in the kitchen preparing to microwave a yam when Laurel called me on the phone. I didn't hear it at first, over the running water in which I was washing the yam. My phone was in my pocket. I heard her ring tone. I use Owl City: "Fireflies" as my ring tone for her. The call was certainly unexpected. I had been wondering if she would get in touch with me before I ever completed the herculean (well, to me, anyway) task she'd set me as a condition of her continued association, but there she was, calling me out of the blue when she doesn't usually do that. It wasn't that I minded, of course. I was beginning to grieve just thinking how long it would be in order to work my way out of the exile she had set upon me, not without justice. I was elated...and apprehensive.

It turns out that she was helping the physicist, who had been taken to the hospital with a kidney stone attack. Her parenting partner had encouraged her already formed decision to go and help and she was on her way to the ferry to get to the hospital where he was presently in the emergency room. Of course she went to him. She would not be the woman I have come to know...and love, had she been the type to have turned her back on him, their relationship being over or not. It was the right thing to do, and she's not the type to let the right thing to do go undone.

So she called me, because she did not want to be alone right then. So, what do I feel about that? Honored. Relieved. Elated...and confused. It's 2:25 AM, as I type this. I just got off of Skype with her a little more than an hour ago after telling her good night. We've been talking again, every day since Sunday. I love talking to her. I love being with her. Yeah, she's got baggage, so do I. She's also the sanest, most emotionally clear woman with whom I've ever interacted, and I love her company, I love what she is, and having her in my life. I know what I need to do, in principle. I'm still not sure how it's supposed to play out in practice. I think about it all the time. I'm working on it. The stress of the task is considerable. I need answers and I haven't had time to dig for them.

What's going on between us? I don't know. I want her. I see her on Skype and the desire to be there, to hold her is very pulling. She obviously wants me but she has tried to be clear that she does not love being hurt by my interacting with her while issues with my parents are still unresolved, or at least, unconfronted. I can't blame her for feeling the way she does and wanting the things she does. It's only just. I need time to reflect and to go dig up more information, but I don't want to be out of touch with Laurel. When I am in touch with her though, sometimes her impatience weighs upon me in a way that is almost palpable. What are we doing? She told me not to contact her until I had confronted some things and made some changes. She's contacted me. We have talked about it, but I fear that we have kind of just talked around it. It's only an observation, because I also don't know what else to say on this topic, and I don't want to be without her company. I suppose that I can continue to think, and to scratch up what information I can, when I can, and be appreciative of the fact that I can still spend time with her. Anything else is still unclear.

It's 3 AM. I need sleep. I have to work today.
Tags: interpersonal, love, relationship

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