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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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King of Cups Captain Querent

It's not a cry you can hear at night, it's not somebody who's seen the light...

I accidentally left my cell phone at home again today. For the past two mornings I've weighed 213 pounds. I think I'm going to keep going with the yams until I am 190. I've got to figure out how to eat healthy to maintain that weight though. I think I've got to replace that pressure cooker and get some decent recipes, if I'm going to eat anything but pickles and nuked yams. It's a beautiful sunny spring day full of cumulus clouds but it started out kind of gray and spitting rain. The breeze was cool. My noon walks really are good for thinking.

I'm still feeling angry and hurt, I guess. Actually, there's not much guessing involved. Things keep going through my mind. Some part of me keeps yelling at the other parts: "It doesn't matter!" I'm not sure what that means, exactly, other than maybe that part is eager just to flush what I'm thinking down a memory hole because it is a moot point in terms of what happens now. Maybe he just wants to disown the anger and the hurt. I'm pretty sure I don't agree with that assessment. I think I have things to learn no matter what the circumstances. There is no benefit to self-erasure. I'm not sure I could just stop thinking about her anyway, even if I felt like evading such thoughts. I'm actually curious about what's going on with this and how long it will last. That part gets out and yells periodically, especially when I'm thinking about things, but on my noon walk I was able to separate out a few different voices. Some of them essentially agreed with the part that yells, but they are somewhat calmer about things. I wish I could figure out who was always yelling that it doesn't matter. Could it be Binkley? I suspect Binkley is rather cynical about attachment and connection because it's just something that hurts when you lose it. Having those things makes one vulnerable to losing them. How do I get Binkley to accept the idea that having attachment and connection, even with the risk, even with losing them, is better than not having anything at all? Maybe I'll get somewhere with that soon. What's the take away from this anger? Was it all a mistake? I don't really know, yet, but I'm thinking about it.

It's somewhat strange to feel so good physically and also feel emotionally perturbed and disgruntled. It feels interesting to be aware that I am experiencing such a state.