My Internal DJ is mashing a couple of tunes this morning: Stone Temple Pilots: "Vasoline" and Fleetwood Mac: "Go Your Own Way." Musically, it doesn't work, I think, but I get from where it is coming. I am reading and thinking this morning and it is difficult to do those things without being reminded of my erstwhile correspondent. Yeah, well, it gets better. Monty Python and the Holy Grail come to mind.
Peasant: "She turned me into a newt!"
Sir Bedevere: "A newt?!"
Peasant, after confused pause: "I got better..."
So, what brought that to mind this morning? Something I read in Schnarch:
[B]oth Bill and Joan felt validated, needed, and valued early in their relationship. Each felt lucky to have found such a compatible partner. Conversation came easily and lasted for hours. Each reinforced the other’s disclosures with further disclosures of his or her own. They celebrated their ability to talk about “almost anything.”
Schnarch, David (2011-10-01). Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships (p. 103). Midpoint Trade Books. Kindle Edition.
Isn't you, isn't me, search for things that you can't see...
I know that I cannot contact Laurel. She did not expressly forbid it outright, but she did tell me that she did not wish to engage. If I respect her, I must honor her wishes until or unless she changes her own mind on her willingness to talk to me. Damn it though, I miss her in more than a romantic sense. She's the only one who really was on the same page about this stuff! Schnarch and Gerlach flatly contradict one another. How does Laurel integrate them? Does she integrate them or is she just fooling herself? If one of them, Gerlach or Schnarch, is wrong, where is the error? Are they each at least partly right? In what context? Is the contradiction only apparent, to be resolved with a synthesis? If so, where is it? Laurel's OKStupid profile reads as if she believes Schnarch and wants what he has to offer. On the other hand, "at the sticking point," she clings to the framework propounded by Molyneux, Gerlach, and Mackler. Schnarch claims that they are wrong, and I perceive the possibility that if he is right, their prescriptions can lead to undesirable results.
If I could, Baby, I'd give you my world, How can I, when you won't take it from me...
She told me: "The trust is gone." The beautifully diplomatic, controlled wording she used there did not escape me, from the moment I first read it. The only accusation in that is implicit; the statement itself only says what she is feeling. It does open the question though: is the trust gone because she perceives me to be a liar and untrustworthy, or is it because she is less than capable of trusting when things get emotionally involved and her insecurities are roused. I suspect that it is almost certain that the case is a little of column A and a little of column B. I wonder if she would agree with that assessment? In any case though, whatever value she claimed to get out of discussing this stuff with me is obviously not great enough for her to talk to me, for whatever reason. Demonstrated preference is a pretty strong argument. Nevertheless, the way things have gone down can't help but make me wonder about the "why" of it. Is it that it hurts too much? Is she really of the opinion that I am some untrustworthy scoundrel who will morally contaminate her if she gives me the time of day? Is it that she feels the need to not be intimately involved with me but can't break loose without cutting all contact? Bah. Futility. Hell, I fully admit to having plenty of emotional reasons for missing her correspondence, but damn, I have intellectual reasons as well, for missing communicating with her. Hmm...they don't seem to be all that divisible, actually. They're entwined — the fact that I could have such fascinating conversations with her was one of the attractions. Value and emotion are inseparable. Meh. So why does it appear to matter to me more than it appears to matter to her? That is a puzzle that may be unanswerable. Damn, I do miss her, though. This stuff is really interesting, but it is hard to sort out alone. I wish she had been a better partner for me with whom to exchange "clues to the universe;" I sure as hell wish that I had been.