Why does she call herself a "kept woman" if this flatly contradicts so much of what I know about her and who she really is? Was she making a questionable joke? Was she trying to tell me something about herself, or at least, the way she perceives herself? Was she trying to admit something without actually saying it? What in the hell did she mean? Why is it that I very much doubt that I'd get real illumination from asking her that question? Why in the hell would she describe her situation that way? Was she wanting me to do something with that knowledge?
What was being offered in "sharing" that? If she does believe what she said, that sounds pretty damned insecure for a woman whose spirit and courage I actually admire, and I am disappointed. If she doesn't believe it, then why did she say it? Was she being manipulative? If she wasn't being manipulative, was she sharing her insecurity with me? What am I supposed to do with this, or about it? Hell, everybody gets insecure. It sucks. I have plenty of insecurities to go around. Self-doubt is imprisoning. If she really feels that way...disappointing doesn't entirely cover what I would feel about that. It would make me feel sad, to think she experiences those kinds of self-doubts. It makes me feel...protective...but half the time I'm not even sure how to be that, with her. I keep thinking she would perceive that as somehow catering to her weaknesses, or something. It's kind of conflicting to feel protective if the person about whom you feel it is going to resent it. She seems so self-confident to me, most of the time. I know that she has courage, and I admire it, greatly. I damned well know that I am in no way delusional about that. I'm in possession of reason and plenty of evidence, on that. Well, yeah, OK, in most contexts, I admire her courage. She has it in places where I think I could stand a little more of it, in myself. It's inspiring. It's one of the things that make her beautiful, to me. In other contexts, not so much, perhaps. Maybe I'm wrong about that too. Who knows? Maybe she'll figure it out and actually marry the man she's with right now.
Does she really believe that I am trying to "punish her" by staying away or is she trying to make this all about her as a means of manipulating me and having control? After all, if it is about her then she has some input into things, some control. If it is about me, then it does exclude her, whether I am there or not there is entirely out of her hands. When I told her this is about me and not her, why would she not accept that?
Delusional? I'm delusional? If it is true, then I am hurt, and I want to get away from this mess. Who wants delusions? I've had far too many of those and they're just gross. If it's not true, then why did she say it? Was it manipulative? If it's not true and she said it anyway then I am more than a little angry about that. Did she say it to be hurtful? To what end? Did she say it to push me away? What other effect would any rational person expect such a statement to have? Hell, if she thinks it's true why in the hell would she even think to question what I am doing? If I'm really delusional about what is between she and I then I need to get away from whatever is feeding that delusion, but she doesn't or didn't seem to want that. Is she in effect saying that she is OK with my being delusional as long as my delusions serve her desires and ends and she can control things?
Why am I so entangled in this, anyway? What in the hell am I doing? It's not like I don't know the material facts, the situation on the ground. She hasn't lied about that. Am I being needy? It's not like it is her who keeps me hanging out in limbo. I can be angry with her all I want, but do I really have a reason? I can disapprove of her actions all I want, but I can't say that I have been unaware of them.
I went poking around on OKStupid with a catspaw account this morning. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm not looking to meet anyone. I damned sure don't feel like dating, and if I did date, I wouldn't feel honest. I'm not interested in investing my curiosity in someone new right now. At any rate, I was window-shopping or fiddling around distracting myself. Is it that I'm just missing her? I'm not sure what I was doing. Some woman wrote in her self-summary: "I enjoy alone time, and want to be with someone I want, not with someone I need." I was tempted to write to her and ask what she thinks the distinction is between those two concepts. I wonder if she actually knows what she was talking about or is she just parroting the common wisdom and is just saying it to sound deep? It made me wonder. If she is aware of a distinction, what is it that she perceives herself to "need"? What does it mean to her, to need someone? What does it mean to me? I tell myself that I don't need L. Is it true?