April 1st, 2015

Montecristo Captain Quixote

And I offer no sympathy for that

She won't discuss. She doesn't listen. She made erroneous presumptions and would not allow them to be corrected or even questioned. She violates the rules of good communication that she told to me and will not be called on it. She rushed to judgment and convicted without a trial, even misrepresented material facts in her righteousness and her fear. As long as she is right and I am broken we can talk but otherwise, my opinion is invalid. She can critically examine and judge every choice I have made in my life but I am "unqualified" to have my own opinion about her choices or even to question them. What kind of deal is that? Forget whether it is moral to accept such a deal; how moral is it to offer such a deal? She often treats me with contempt. How many times have I been on the dishing-out side of that? Maybe I just needed to learn what if feels like to be on the receiving end. It hurts to love someone who will not treat you as an equal. I can't help but see the poetic justice in that. It isn't easy to take, though I can't say I haven't learned anything.
Mr. Incredible Captain Uh-oh!

...and as the flames climbed high into the night, to light the sacrificial rite...

I just got back from my noon walk. Oh Great Blue Blazes, I am angry! Holy shit. I would love to say that I am unsurprised by this, I mean, I knew that I was feeling frustrated and hurt, but damn. I was feeling numb and out of touch with myself all day yesterday. I knew this feeling, and I knew that there would appear a gap in a day or so, eventually and I would get a handle on things. The thing was, I was fully expecting a lot of sadness. I was out there walking, and thinking, and the more I reflected the angrier I got. As ignorant as it may sound, it kind of sneaked up on me. I guess I had to get away from circumstances where someone was invalidating my emotions by telling me how every disapproved emotion was invalid due to the fact that I have not yet had therapy or deFOO'ed. Shit. Shocking, but I think it's a good thing!

Anger is good. It can be useful. It is an indicator of where one needs to set a boundary, from what I have learned. I guess I need to set one. I suppose that I should question it, as well. Anger is also useful for masking something else, but I can at least put a boundary in place until I can figure things out. Good.