April 10th, 2015

Montecristo Captain Quixote

I still don't have the reason and you don't have the time

Spring is in full bloom here. It was sunny and warm, but not hot, and the sky was sprinkled with cumulus clouds again, when I went for my noon walk. I've been doing some more thinking and things are starting to get a little clearer. I think I still have some anger, but now that it is getting clearer it is looking much less intense. The first problem was determining its nature. I had to distinguish between anger and frustration. I have determined that what has been dogging me is a mixture of both. I have been really frustrated at the situation. No matter what I have tried I couldn't get anywhere. I couldn't even get clarity, or a discussion of the issue, for that matter, and that was frustrating to keep trying and beating my head against it.

On the anger side of things, I have determined that parts of me are angry at me or my TrueSelf for not examining the issue and for looking at the problem all wrong, and denying to myself that I was doing that. I have my pitfalls. The anger smoothed out a bit once I apologized for not listening to that part. It's funny how this stuff works. Listening to the anger gave me a clue that I was looking at things the wrong way.

I'm still waiting for the grief parts. Surely, it's got to be there. I figure it will show up sometime. There's no rushing things.