Montecristo Captain Quixote

montecristo

The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world


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Montecristo Captain Quixote
montecristo

What a Difference a Day Makes

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

The Hollow Men
-- T. S. Eliot

I got my arm back today, and my teeth, in a bag. Shall I have a taxidermist mount them in a frame suitable for hanging on my bedroom wall? That's what divorce is like. It's like getting your teeth pulled, one at a time, over the course of weeks, without anesthesia. When you have no more teeth, they cut off your arm. Then they give the whole mess back to you in a plastic bag, and you're left holding these things and wondering what in the hell you're supposed to do with them. A certificate of marriage commemorates a real thing, a new interpersonal structure that exists now, a structure which you and your partner make, that did not exist before. It is a structure of which to be proud, to cherish. You can hang a certificate of marriage on your wall, if you are the type to do such things. Divorce is not a thing; it is the absence of a real thing, in much the same way that darkness is not a real thing, but merely the absence of light. What does one do, exactly, with a divorce decree?

My watch just beeped. This is the twenty-first century. Very few houses anymore it seems have those old grandfather clocks which measure out human lives in their steady stately ticking and melodious chiming. This is a more graceless age, to paraphrase Don Henley's very appropriate song for this occasion. (namethattune anyone?) We children of the Third Millennium measure out our hours in beeps, or afternoons and coffee spoons, as Eliot put it. The most recent beep tells me that it is now midnight, Friday, April 30, 2004, and according to the ex wife, from a phone call earlier this evening, about mail she received today, this is the start of my third day as a "free man". As Janis Joplin pointed out, "Freedom's just another word for 'nothing left to lose.'" Even now, the finality of it keeps fading out of my conscious attention and then comes back in flashes like a stab in the chest with an icicle.

I'm having a hard time understanding what I am feeling and why. This is the drawback of being a "T" type person. Feeler types have their emotions figured out a bit better. I've read journals where they unravel their feelings like I tease the functionality out of a piece of unfamiliar software code. I don't want her back. If she came to me now, or two months from now, and told me that she had made a big mistake in leaving me, I would be pained, and I would tell her that it was too late, and I would not consider it, for fear of setting myself up for this all over again. I don't want her back, and yet I still love what she is and what she was to me and I miss her and I feel bad for not wanting her back. It feels like failure, like I have carelessly dropped and broken something sacred and irreplaceable, and that is a bitter cup to swallow.

I'm feeling sorry for myself. I don't like it at all, but there would seem to be nothing that I can do about it right now. Things are bad. The courts seem to believe that I can live on one quarter of my salary and pay the rest of it to my ex. I don't think that is going to happen, which means a lot of wrangling around with a lawyer and paperwork, which I would have rather avoided. I don't even know how much recourse I have, which is scary. I only know that with the bills I have now, what has been decreed may as well have been a request for the moon on a platter. It's completely impossible. It's too mind bogglingly impossible even to think about right now.

More than the financial, too, is the spiritual. I have almost found myself at square one again in life, except that I am no longer twenty. It has been seven months since Crystal left. To paraphrase some Hollywood personality or other whose name escapes me, it's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who gets tied up. For more than a year I have been numb. I have been frozen to the core for so long that I got used to it, didn't even notice it. Within the last couple of months or so though, something has caused that slumbering core to wake up. This has been both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I have started to feel fully human again. I had been terribly unaware of what I had let fall into hibernation. It was serendipity that I came across the right set of circumstances to shock that part of me awake again, and make me hunger for spiritual values again, which is a very good thing. On the other hand though, it is terribly dispiriting to meet a woman who evokes such a powerful resonance in me, and then realize that she is not the same age as me -- that she is not for me -- that our roads will never cross. There are so many things I could offer someone, but newness is not one of them. Even though I am currently living in circumstances superficially similar to this, I will never be that youthful man fresh out of college with every possibility in the world ahead of him, and open to him, and that is such an important thing to young women. Regardless of what I may attain for myself eventually, I am not sanguine about recovering what I have lost. I fear that that kind of family life is closed to me now, and that was something which I truly treasured. I am not sure how I will come to grips with that, if that assessment turns out to be accurate.

I have to sack out, before I get maudlin. In addition to the mundane and trivial trials, and the less trivial trials accompanying an involuntary transition to single-hood, I fear I have some larger issues and problems to consider and tackle. Where in the hell is the bottom? All I want to do is just grab a hold of a couple of rocks and stick them together and say, "Here, I have staked my place once more, upon this spot I shall build grander and better than I have before," but my hands and feet seem to find no purchase anywhere. The music has started to become frenzied and demonic, and I must tap dance ever faster to keep up, or be lost. I hope this damnable insomnia is ready to give up for the night. I also wouldn't mind seeing this bout be over now too, because it's starting to get just a little old, dealing with it this many days. Ah well, better premises tomorrow.


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Just know that you are not alone in feeling like this. I went through exactly the same thoughts when I got divorced and almost two years later, it still bothers me. The nightmares have finally stopped (for now) but the sadness remains. I've gotten over it in that I've moved on with my life and am now a separate entity unto myself and am actually happy, but there are times where my mind wanders and wonders what could have been. It's fruitless and we're not over the hill. New beginnings are always new - isn't that fantastic? It doesn't matter how old you are.

"Happiness, too, is inevitable." -- Albert Camus

Thanks for the Hugs 'n' Slugs™ Mary. You gotta sleep to have nightmares. Heh heh. I feel like that peasant in Monty Python and the Holy Grail:

Peasant: Ooh! She turned me into a newt!

Sir Bedeviere: A newt? ...

Peasant: I got better...

I have no doubt that things will get better, but I'm having trouble imagining it right now. Bleah.


Re: "Happiness, too, is inevitable." -- Albert Camus

Hugs 'n' Slugs gratis for you, Dear Sir.

I know it's black right now, but you'll start seeing some other colors, which will become "the new black". :)

Yes, you're definitely not alone.

I know. Thanks for the comment. It's been about a year exactly, since your charming ex dropped the bomb on you too, isn't it? Heh heh, you're running about five months ahead of me. See any light yet? More than faster horses, older whiskey, younger women, or more money, we need better premises.

It seems I now have an answer for this... I thought I had seen some light, but it turned out to be a mirage.

I found this out after I went looking for the original inspiration for The Renaissance Agency (which I still think was rooted in an outside conversation, probably with fearsclave is it wasn't you) and inadvertently ended up reading some of the posts concerning the divorce...

Care to elaborate? I've had nearly the same experience.

Elaborate on how reading a few words from last year can reduce me to a gibbering, snot-nosed wreck?

Crap can sneak up on you. I know. I see what you mean now. I wasn't having the "bad nostalgia" attack, though; I thinking about something else. You know, you think you're too old to have a crush...sheesh!

Very few houses anymore it seems have those old grandfather clocks which measure out human lives in their steady stately ticking and melodious chiming.

Acquiring a grandfather clock (and a grand piano) would be very neat. As much of a techie as I am, I still appreciate the good things of the past. Comes with the Classics degree, partly.

I'm having a hard time understanding what I am feeling and why. This is the drawback of being a "T" type person. Feeler types have their emotions figured out a bit better. I've read journals where they unravel their feelings like I tease the functionality out of a piece of unfamiliar software code. I don't want her back. If she came to me now, or two months from now, and told me that she had made a big mistake in leaving me, I would be pained, and I would tell her that it was too late, and I would not consider it, for fear of setting myself up for this all over again. I don't want her back, and yet I still love what she is and what she was to me and I miss her and I feel bad for not wanting her back. It feels like failure, like I have carelessly dropped and broken something sacred and irreplaceable, and that is a bitter cup to swallow.

As a supposed "Feeler", it's not as easy as you might think. It takes significant time to figure out what you're feeling, let alone whether that makes any sense at all. And you appear to have done a fairly good analysis. You love her and you... well... don't hate her, I don't think. But you don't understand how she could have hurt you in this way. You feel guilty about the loss and the end of trust. The brokenness echoes a lot of people's feelings and some LJ posts I've seen. Just remember that it's not entirely your fault. She was unhappy too, and it's okay to blame her for "helping" break things. And at least you learned that lesson the first time around. *mopesigh*

I hope your finances work out. Mine are rather tricky at the moment too, what with tuition, rent, car insurance. *crosses fingers for the both of us*

For more than a year I have been numb. I have been frozen to the core for so long that I got used to it, didn't even notice it. Within the last couple of months or so though, something has caused that slumbering core to wake up. This has been both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, I have started to feel fully human again. I had been terribly unaware of what I had let fall into hibernation. It was serendipity that I came across the right set of circumstances to shock that part of me awake again, and make me hunger for spiritual values again, which is a very good thing ... I fear I have some larger issues and problems to consider and tackle. Where in the hell is the bottom? All I want to do is just grab a hold of a couple of rocks and stick them together and say, "Here, I have staked my place once more, upon this spot I shall build grander and better than I have before," but my hands and feet seem to find no purchase anywhere. The music has started to become frenzied and demonic, and I must tap dance ever faster to keep up, or be lost. Ah well, better premises tomorrow.

To put it loosely in tarot terms, it sounds like you've been hit by Death, Tower, and the Hanged Man all at once. But you're surviving okay for the moment. Just keep control of the Chariot and remember that change can be worthwhile. You don't need or want to be unconscious in a gilded cage. *hug*

It is a time for new beginnings. *gives you the Star, the Fool, a random Ace, Ten of Swords, Eight of Swords, Three of Swords, Eight of Cups, and Seven of Pentacles* What will you do? What will you make of yourself?

Lookie at the compilation of broodychange songs I put together for you.

Huh. I did fairly well, given the constraints of a webtarot reading. Interpret as you will.

The Hagall spread is a tool for revealing the path of spiritual growth in difficult situations. It is a favorite of mystics and those confronting a major life challenge. The Renaissance Tarot is a modern deck, with symbolism drawn from the heroic age and rendered in renaissance style. This deck is an excellent choice for exploring questions of passion, mastery, and the inner workings of human reason.

Core/Central Issue: Seven of Staves, reversed
Something you did to cause it: King of Cups
Beliefs/Expectations: Five of Coins (Worry)
Current Outcome: The Hermit, reversed
Past/Lessons. Six of Swords, reversed
Present Tasks/Challenges: Three of Swords (Sorrow)
Future Situation/Knowledge: Judgment
Person/Qualities Sustaining Your Journey: Strength
Qualities You Express: Seven of Swords, reversed
Person/Qualities Revealing Knowledge: Three of Cups, reversed

Why is it that, whenever I befriend someone for other reasons, I always seem to find out that they also like playing with Tarot cards? Weird! You know, I regard them as not much more than a kind of auto-Rorschach test useful for introspection and that the cards fall in completely random patterns. I don't hold with supernatural or extrasensory influences. Nevertheless, I consider the things fascinating.

I think you have the order of the cards you mentioned in the wrong order. It's been more like The Hanged Man, followed by The Tower and then Death. Hmm, all major arcana. Kind of heavy, don't you think? Why does everyone always think in terms of the big keys? Mind you, the upsets I've had in the last year have not been what I would have called "run of the mill" but still, I always wonder about people's natural attraction to the greater arcana when they talk Tarot, almost like the other 56 cards don't exist or have significance. Is it because there are fewer of the great keys to keep track of, or is it that they appeal to our senses of melodrama and self-importance? Heh heh.

You have no idea how touched and flattered I am that you did that layout for me. That's really neat. It's also one of the more uncanny as hell readings! Hmmm, what to make of this... perhaps an entry, later today.


Because anyone you befriend is eccentric, and thus likely to have heard of tarot cards, and even more likely to investigate said enigmas? (By the way, you've now been added to my tarot filter. Let me know if you want to be off it, and comment in the usual place if you want to be on my quiz or survey filters.

Tarot's one of those vague areas where I don't know what to believe, but very interesting nonetheless. *points to tarot thread with moonfall and this thoughtprovoking tarot and the unconscious web page*

The major arcana apply in this particular situation. *points at above description of falling/stability, sleeping, relentless motion, etc). For me, I think of the major arcana first because I know them better. I'm still learning how the minors work in general, how they match with the majors, and how they match with other minors. Plus I should get a physical deck sometime...

7 of Pentacles (Assessment) ~ Judgement
9 of Wands ~ Strength
2 of Cups ~ Lovers
8 of Wands ~ Chariot
10 of Swords ~ Death
4 of Swords ~ Hermit
3/9 of Swords-> 10 of Swords-> 8 of Swords -> 6 of Swords

I was listing before, not giving an actual sequence. From what I can tell based on card symbology, it's The Hanged Man, The Tower, Death/10 of Swords, The Hermit/4 of Swords, 3/9 of Swords, and the Moon/8 of Wands/Five of Pentacles. Oh, and a few more of the cards from that reading. *lazy* Work towards Judgement, Temperance, the Star, the Sun, and the 6 of Swords.

You're very welcome. :) Let me know how the analysis goes, as I'm curious.

Hmm, seven card draw, eh?

Okay, hold the ace, ten, three, seven and the eights, discard the rest, unless Fools are wild, draw two, and hope for a full house. Heh heh.

Re: Hmm, seven card draw, eh?

Fools are always wild. *nods sagely* And you don't want to discard the Star if you're hoping for anything.

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