Well darkness has a hunger that's insatiable, and lightness has a call that's hard to hear...I don't really believe that, actually; I'm just a tad vaguely disgruntled this morning, and sometimes, it just feels as if there were some truth to that line. A plethora of small issues have assembled themselves into a laundry list of irritations and vexations and I'm feeling frustrated and somewhat down. I feel a need to change things and fix things, and I'm not sure what to work on first. I'm feeling disorganized and ineffective. I've got to change more things than I have been, and get more done, but I am anxious about changing anything else in my life, seeing what a great friend Change has been to me lately. I have an idea about each of the things that are problematical right now, but they all seem to be interlinked and woven together into a web of nastiness that makes me worry about cutting individual lines for fear of making larger messes someplace unanticipated, or brining the whole tenuous Rube Goldberg clockworks crashing down around my ears.
It was bright and sunny in Livermore this morning, but foggy and overcast still here in the Bay. I woke up at 5:30 this morning. Either my alarm clock started ringing about an hour later than I had set it (unlikely) or I slept through a solid hour of my alarm going off (disturbing). I don't want to consider that, but I am forced to concede that that is most likely what happened. Maybe going to bed earlier will help. I keep telling myself that I'll sack out right after KFOG's Ten at ten program ends and I finish the dishes, somewhere just after 10:30, but I haven't been entirely successful in doing this. Last night it was 11:00 when I finally turned in, and even then I woke up at 2:35 for some oddball unfathomable reason -- I suspect an unremembered dream. Gah, I haven't been plagued by dreams, good, bad, clean, or dirty, this much in my life before the ex left. I guess that's not really a complaint, per se, but it is different, and of course, it's an inconvenience when it interrupts my sleep.
I'm doing it again. I've got myself pretty well grid-locked. Nothing is moving fast enough for me. Of course, given the state of my life earlier this year when I felt like I was attempting to tap-dance on water to keep from drowning, nobody but myself could believe that I now find things stagnant and frustrated, but I do.
The printer here is on the fritz. We have an HP 4100 which ran out of toner and I replaced the cartridge with one that was supposed to be compatible, but apparently isn't... Of course, pulling the tab out to release the toner before trying to print with it might have helped, but I neglected to perform that little operation before hand as I didn't have any documentation to work from when I replaced the cartridge. Eh -- feh. I think I killed it, Jim. Our MIS guy is playing with it now. Some day my prints will come. This is becoming a recurring theme lately, fleeting frustrations and disheartening disappointments, which nevertheless pile up, and I think I really need to do something about it.
I'm up to my eyebrows in work at my day job, but it's not really work that is motivating me well. I'm also somewhat disturbed by the way we get things done here, or rather the way we don't get them done as effectively as I would like, and I'm kind of disappointed with all the rear-guard remedial actions I have to perform. We need better design, we need better methods, we need engineers who are not hung up on stuffing twenty-year old software into state of the art hardware, just because they had a hand in writing the original crap, and are old dogs too timid to learn new tricks and fearful of revealing the limits of their own talents, and they have the ears of too many people with decision-making power. Sometimes it's lonely being the only software engineer in a pack of programmers. The company's not getting its money's worth out of me, but it gets tiring having to do battle for the privilege of doing my job better. We need a development group which is not so damned intimidated by the things they do not know and fearful of...whatever. Feh. I'd like to change some things here, but I'm not really sure what would be worth the effort, or if it would work, or if I should bother, seeing as how McGuffin would make the whole issue a moot point -- if Robert and I can succeed in making McGuffin into something.
Then there's McGuffin. I'm up to my ears in McGuffin, but I'm not getting enough time to work on it, and not really using the time I do have really effectively. Our weak spot is in getting the company off the ground. The technical issues are really just a matter of time, at this point, although once Robert and I make some progress, we could run into vexing issues in that arena as well. That would be a problem I would welcome at this point, because at least it would mean that we are making progress on that front. We've got to put these company issues to bed and get moving again. There are some tough decisions coming up, that really need to be made, and made soon. I need to somehow take further steps to pull this thing together. It's too much of an opportunity to let fizzle or flounder. I feel like I'm out of my depth, which is challenging, in a way, but...gah...I want this thing so badly, and it makes me anxious about how I'm going about it. I trust Robert's competence and his vision on this thing, but he has blind spots, and I'm trying to cover them and patch the holes where his coverage is weak, but I'm sometimes apprehensive that I'm going to miss something crucial sooner or later. I'm probably just tormenting myself with imaginings. Courage, more than anything else, would seem to be the correct approach here.
On the home front, I am somewhat annoyed with my living conditions. I have a nice house, but it is terribly disorganized. That's not something I like to admit, because I'd rather run a tight ship, especially since it is entirely my fault for how unorganized everything is right now. I still don't have all my books arranged, and I am still dithering about permanent locations for various items still homeless from the move. I don't know. I'm making headway, but I really need to organize my books and clean out my damnable refrigerator and stop using the one in the garage. I wonder if I can make a firm plan to wash my kitchen refrigerator out this weekend, and hook up the water line to it, and not balk when the time comes to tackle the issue. I think I will.
Of course, my yard comes in for criticism too. I really need to do a little more trimming, but I've been putting that off, and I need to start attacking my lawn full of weeds and get some fertilizer/weed killer and water on the thing. I hope I haven't killed any of the flowering plants and bushes I want to keep. Perhaps that issue can be addressed this weekend as well.
I wish that damned lawyer I'm dealing with for the divorce stuff would just hurry up with whatever she is up to. Crystal and her parasite and I are living way beyond my means, and it is starting to become very downright worrisome. It's driving me crazy. There's no sense in this. What really sticks in my crawl is that the ex knows what she's doing is totally insane and wrong, and she knows it, but it would inconvenience her too much to admit it, so she just doesn't give a damn. Sometimes it sickens me when I wonder how I could ever have gotten involved with someone who would act like that. So, the lawyer keeps telling me that we're going to fix things. Well, I am waiting with bated breath and hemorrhaging greenbacks. I can't keep going this way. Something's got to give soon. I keep playing phone tag with the lawyer, and that is annoying as well. I just need to get out from under this mess, and I have to get that lawyer moving on this while I still have any money. She's been gone since September and the whole unfortunate relationship has been officially terminated since April -- for Pete's sake, she's not my wife any damned more -- am I not entitled to be able to just forget about her? Child support I can understand, but what the woman is getting is ridiculous, not to mention, not for the last time, un-fucking-sustainable. Double feh.
I guess no rant would be complete without me bringing in my personal life for a couple of good kicks as well. I don't really want to go there, but hey, I'm not much into evasion, and I'm laying out all the odds and ends of vexation on my brain. I can't leave that one out; it's one of the persistent insistent imps poking my consciousness with pins. The truth is, I'll have been a hermit (or as near as damn it to a hermit) for a year, as of next month. Is that sane? To be truthful, I don't really know. I guess I'm not lacking for "social interaction," but it all sounds so damnably superficial sometimes, because I know that I'm missing the kind of quality conversation that I really want when I get tired of filling my house with empty music and the sound of my own voice. Sometimes, in the quiet, I can hear the voice of that deeper part of me that wants shared, and is instead, being brushed off by my brain, in favor of other considerations, and the fact that I've really not got a lot of options right now. That voice is very persistent, and sometimes it hurts when I try to ignore it.
The truth be told too, I am a very funny duck. I don't hit it off with everyone, although I am friendly enough, and sane enough, and entertaining enough. I guess I just don't let many people in. I can't really say that I'm lonely, either, because I could always go out, if I was just wanting company. I just haven't really felt like it. I don't really know even how to put this so that it makes complete sense to me. I have so much to do, and somehow more "mingling" does not seem to be a good tradeoff against getting some necessary work done. It's also just so often pointless. Maybe I'm just not all that ready, either. Being single still feels weird to me, when I think about it, and frustratingly enough, I can't explain that either, and I don't know why. I just keep thinking that if I went looking for companionship right now, I'd regret it, and even in cases where I doubt I'd regret it, it's problematical, and that's disappointing. I don't know. Perhaps it's better that this particular conundrum goes on the back burner until I get a few of the other ones worked out. Sometimes though, I just get to feeling lost, like I have no idea where I am or where I'm going now that I don't have a wife and family around anymore, and I want to scrape that feeling out of me, but I really have no idea how to go about it. It's very vexing. Sometimes I wonder how I ended up with my wife in the first place, now. It's been so long since...I don't know...since I've gone out with someone new. I've almost forgotten what it's like, and that's kind of weird, and daunting.
One time a thing occurred to me
What's real, and what's for sale?
Blew a kiss and tried to take it home
It isn't you, isn't me
Search for things that you can't see
Going blind, out of reach
Somewhere in the Vaseline
Two times and it has rendered me
Punch drunk and without bail
Think I'd be safer all alone
Flies in the Vaseline we are
Sometimes it blows my mind
Keep getting stuck here all the time
You'll see the look and you'll see the lies
You'll eat the lies, and you will.
It isn't you, isn't me
Search for things that you can't see
Going blind, out of reach
Somewhere in the Vaseline.
Stone Temple Pilots
Yeah, I'm in a bit of a funk today. I suppose it will blow over in a day, more or less. It always does. I need to be a little more proactive. So, what am I going to do about it? I guess I could dig out Covey again. I recommend Steven Covey's The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People to anyone who asks about how to get their act together -- that and Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead. I think those three books have had a bigger impact on my life than anything else I've ever read. The Seven Habits is a very good, even entertaining and fascinating read, and some of the man's ideas, even most of them, make sense to me. His advice for dealing with life is eminently practical. I think he's onto something. It certainly helps put things in focus for me. Maybe that's what I need to do right now: collect my focus. Getting a good night's sleep probably wouldn't hurt anything, either.