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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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Montecristo Captain Quixote

Little things kill

All in all, it's been an okay but mediocre weekend of moderate getting things done. Tuesday is my younger daughter Shannon's birthday. She'll be eleven. I went to the store tonight and got Shannon a card and I'm sitting here addressing and signing it. Sometimes, the way my brain works is a curse. It occurs to me that I will not see her open it. This will be the second of my daughters' birthdays I've not been there. I missed Jackie's birthday a little less than a year ago, when the ex moved out the day before. Why does melancholy sneak up and club you over the head when you're not looking? I thought that only happened to maudlin drunks who couldn't control their liquor, and I don't even drink, when I'm alone. I'm so thirsty for a good conversation right now. I should just go to bed. I've smoked this day down to the filter -- there's really nothing productive left of it. I suspect that I'll find a better mood on the other side of a good night's sleep.

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Awww. Hugs dear, and happy bday to your little one.

Yes, do get some sleep! Sleep is very important to keeping sane and emotionally balanced.

O hey, thanks for the CD my dearest count-- I shall hopefully listen to it tomorrow.

You're still up and online?

It is good to see you around! Hope this doesn't mean that you're going to work sleepy tomorrow, or is it your day off?

As for me, well, blues attack. Weird as hell. I hate getting them, especially the "ambush" ones, but like I said, I'll feel better after a good night's sleep. I've just had to finish up some stuff on which I was working and couldn't sack out at a reasonable time. Feh.

Sometimes it gets difficult. I get to feeling like I've lost my "place" in life, and I wonder where I am going to be able to fit in again. I miss what I had. Even if it was not the best thing for my wife and I, I did work hard to build it, and right now, everything that I worked to put together is gone -- and it was something that I always thought I'd have. I've pretty much gotten used to being alone again. I've always been very self-entertaining. Nevertheless, sometimes the silence, and not having someone around just to talk to or hear their voice, when I need to do so, sticks a nasty little voodoo pin in me and I can't shake it until I sack out and get a new day for perspective. It's kind of a rotten thing with which to have to deal. I suspect that you know what I mean. I think you tend to value conversation as highly as I do. I know I've seen you question your "place" in life also before, as I also have seen the esteemed Mr. Footle do so. It hits everybody now and again.

Our quaint modern marriage customs,

or more specifically our UNmarriage (de, dis, pick your own prefix) make for misery that there aren't enough Thanksgivings and Birthdays per year.


Re: Our quaint modern marriage customs,

I'm not quite exactly sure I follow you here. Everyday is one in which two people or four or however many comprise a person's family can share things that make the experience fulfilling. More holidays and occasions aren't really needed, although free time to just be with the people whose company you really desire, is very nice, and always in limited supply.

Mostly, I was lamenting my lack of place in life. Sometimes, I get to feeling kind of useless, and lacking in purpose, because my family was a big part of my purpose in life. More than that though, it is missing that familiar companionship to which I had become very accustomed. I can deal with being by myself, because I get along with myself quite fine. Heh. It's just that sometimes I get to wanting, really badly, a little better conversation than just myself.

Ah well, I don't have much time and mental space to notice such things through the week, with work occupying my mind and my time. That's a plus. Also, if I get a reasonable amount of sleep, that tends to keep things in perspective as well. When I get like that, it's usually a clue that it is a good idea to go lie on my back and look for holes in my eyelids. I'm back on more solid and circumspect ground this morning. Shocking enough to contemplate, but today's Monday looks better than yesterday's Sunday. Heh. ...and now I must be at 'em!

Re: Our quaint modern marriage customs,

Hey, I'm glad that you're feeling better. In my case I get pulled between my relatives requesting to see my children on Holidays and a custody schedule that isn't as flexible as I'd like.

Re: Our quaint modern marriage customs,

Yeah, well, divorce is a messy business, which is invoked far too casually by some in our society. Eh, it's everybody's call though. Everyone knows their individual circumstances best. I just don't know, in my case. I only know, I'm not really satisfied with my current state of affairs and sometimes it rears up and bites me. When I got married, I got married for life. I know that when people have a divorce that they don't want, they're supposed to get sour on marriage and cynical about relationships, but I think I'd do it again, under the right circumstances. The only problem is, I'm not sure what the right circumstances are, and it's so hard to figure it all out.

*gives you a hug* Yeah. Sleep always helps.

I slept a bit later this morning. That does indeed give one something of a new perspective.

Why does melancholy sneak up and club you over the head when you're not looking?

Shoot...whomever figures that out will be rich.

Hope you are better today. :)

Thanks. Blues attacks don't last too long with me. A long one doesn't last more than a couple of days. Just me feeling self-indulgently sorry for myself. It was just one of those crappy bomb you with a bad feeling and then dissapate kind of things. I just needed to go to bed and sleep for the evening. I felt more like my usual self this morning.

I'm hoping the same for me. Cool that they last just a bit. Usually from lack of sleep...stress...adding other thoughts...screws with you it does. :)

I saw you suggested on someone else's journal and decided to come check you out. I would love to add you to my journal be I generally ask first. Come check me out and let me know what you think.

By all means, subscribe at will if you find anything interesting here. I'm not paranoid about who reads me (otherwise I wouldn't be writing it here). I'm kind of slow about subscribing back just about now, but if we get to conversing I'll probably keep reading.

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