Robert (Bro. Pepper-spray of Reasoned Discussion) (montecristo) wrote,
Robert (Bro. Pepper-spray of Reasoned Discussion)
montecristo

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Tell me how your planet looks on a lazy spring night when the moon is full

In case anyone's been listening to the comments I've been dropping all over the place, no, this is not the post that has been chewing on me concerning what I believe about conditional/unconditional love and what I believe about how that particular phenomenon works. I'm still avoiding that one, but it's there, like a barking dog that won't shut up. I keep kicking it. Slowly, it begins to make more and more sense. When I can put together something coherent enough to support the impression that it owes existence to someone who has mastered basic literacy and composition, I'll post it. Nevertheless, that won't be tonight. Tonight I have decided to pay a visit to my favorite thinking spot, the backyard, under the night sky, and contemplate my life balance sheet for the previous quarter.

Moondance
Van Morison

Well, it's a marvelous night for a moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies
And all the leaves on the trees are falling
To the sound of the breezes that blow
And I'm trying to please to the calling
Of your heart-strings that play soft and low
And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush
And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

I've been lying out in the backyard looking up at the stars and that big, full October moon. I haven't done any of that all summer, and now there are not many nights left in the year that are going to be this warm. I try to avoid regrets of any kind, but occasionally the small ones find me. I've got to get myself a reclining lawn chair instead of lying in the grass in one of my good shirts. Ah well, the grass was reasonably dry and hasn't left a bunch of trimmings all over me. Yeah, I definitely need to do this more often -- get back into the habit. It really "centers" me, in a zen-ish sort of way. You can really lose yourself in a night sky. Sometimes that is a good thing. I guess I am weird because it never makes me feel small, doing that. I look up there and it's like the entire glittering universe fills me up. Maybe it's a side effect of a remarkable dearth of humility. I don't know. I only got in about half an hour of stargazing. Tonight is watering night and the sprinklers really throw a damper on the mood when they are started, and they need to be. I forgot them Sunday. The Valley is such a dry place in the summer.

I think I'm getting used to having the house to myself now. The place is still full of a great deal of my ex's junk/stuff, which she has yet to come and sort out and haul away to that wonderful place where I am not, but the silence reassures me that there is nobody here but me. Sometimes this place feels like living in a museum, after everyone else has left the building. It is empty, and yet full of memory. At first, I was really messed up about things. Grief would sneak up and punch me in the gut at the damnedest times, when I wasn't expecting it at all. Damned weird. Knock wood that it would have the decency to wait until I was by myself. She and I hadn't been getting along in months, and we had been on and off again almost since the day we met, but you still get attached to someone, even so, if you spend enough time with them. They become a part of you. I have some really moving memories that I will probably plop into here for personal contemplation someday or other. It was quite a fulfilling entanglement, all things considered, barring how it ended, of course. That's the way it's supposed to be anyway. You're supposed to fix family, not scrap it. At least, that's what I always thought.

At any rate, things keep changing. The bills are a mess, even though that's always been my job anyway. Oops. On the upside, I'm slowly getting them back under control. Also in the positives column, taking over the jobs that didn't used to be mine has not been as much of a nightmare that I thought it would be. In fact, tackling them has been something of a source of personal satisfaction. The house has never looked cleaner. I have mounted several expeditions to the grocery store, kept myself in clean laundry, managed to pack my own lunches and operate the oven. My old off-campus living skills are returning to me, slowly but surely. Baby steps, but still, not bad for a bachelor who relinquished the toaster oven and the microwave and has to resort to an actual gas range. Heh. I'm still going to replace that damned nuker though. It's too damned convenient not to do without, long term. I wonder whether I should replace the TV and possibly the VCR and DVD player first or the nuker. I haven't seen the glass teat in weeks. I may just go cold turkey on that bastard. I didn't watch it that much anyway, for television, per se. I recently read about this wacky experiment where two researchers, David Boyns and Desiree Stephenson, got 150 college kids to go home and watch a TV which was not on, for thirty minutes per day, and just record what happened to them. They got really off the wall results. Heh. I don't rent my brain out that cheaply. Broadcast and cable are really just passive. I really probably could go quite along while without replacing the damned thing, except for the fact that I burnt the video card in this machine and can't watch movies on my 21" monitor anymore until I replace it. The onboard video that I've had to fall back on is really basic -- won't handle anything better than 1280 x 1024 and it doesn't have the memory to buffer video. Heh. I'm a geek -- I'll get the video card first.

I've found other changes too. I'm losing weight. (That's a good thing). I've dropped about ten pounds since I've had to eat my own messes, and I'm not going to gripe about that, or even think about stopping that until I get lean again. Heh. I am also starting to notice a kind of personality "decompression" too. Being with my ex was kind of stressful, at the end, and that's fading away now. Ha, it's an ill-wind that blows nobody good, and this is not turning out to be entirely that. Furthermore, parts of my personality that had been getting squashed or repressed in our interactions are starting to reassert themselves. It's a shocking thing. My humor has come back, and my spontaneity and some exuberance too. Some days I have been feeling really great, which is a mind-bender, given the circumstances, and I start to recognize the me I was some time ago before things got strained. I had had no idea that that had even happened to me.

I think part of that has to do with finding LJ. This place is great. There are so many interesting people to talk to. I had been quite a hermit before. I'm a strange creature, and I don't get attached to people who don't "fit" with my personality, and people like that are unfortunately rare, for me. I can get along with almost anybody, even some people that many would regard as problematical, but I have few close friends. The beauty of LJ is that people can go all over the place and meet people whom they find interesting, instead of just those they happen to get thrown in with by circumstance. It's amazing how many diverse and uniquely fascinating people hang out here. LJ doesn't seem to attract only one "type," which is kind of counter intuitive, when I think about it. It seems to me that the format itself would tend to select for one particular "culture" among its adherents, but it hasn't, in any meaningful way that I have found yet. Even the people whose lives and circumstances are nothing like mine are ones that I find interesting and with whom I feel like socializing. I have been a total comment whore. It's so hard to shut up when someone says something that is interesting, or funny, or intriguing -- so I haven't -- even when I've started to bury my correspondent in text. For the past couple of weeks, I have been totally obsessed with playing with this stuff. Ha. Got to cut back a bit and post some more stuff in my own journal before people start getting sick of seeing my icon pop up in theirs. I suppose that is one of the pitfalls of being an enthusiastic newbie with a small friends list over which to distribute my attentions.

Tags: california, day in the life, family and friends, introspection, lamentations and tribulations
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