Montecristo Captain Quixote

montecristo

The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world


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Montecristo Captain Quixote
montecristo

Tell me how your planet looks on a lazy spring night when the moon is full

In case anyone's been listening to the comments I've been dropping all over the place, no, this is not the post that has been chewing on me concerning what I believe about conditional/unconditional love and what I believe about how that particular phenomenon works. I'm still avoiding that one, but it's there, like a barking dog that won't shut up. I keep kicking it. Slowly, it begins to make more and more sense. When I can put together something coherent enough to support the impression that it owes existence to someone who has mastered basic literacy and composition, I'll post it. Nevertheless, that won't be tonight. Tonight I have decided to pay a visit to my favorite thinking spot, the backyard, under the night sky, and contemplate my life balance sheet for the previous quarter.

Moondance
Van Morison

Well, it's a marvelous night for a moondance
With the stars up above in your eyes
A fantabulous night to make romance
'Neath the cover of October skies
And all the leaves on the trees are falling
To the sound of the breezes that blow
And I'm trying to please to the calling
Of your heart-strings that play soft and low
And all the night's magic seems to whisper and hush
And all the soft moonlight seems to shine in your blush

I've been lying out in the backyard looking up at the stars and that big, full October moon. I haven't done any of that all summer, and now there are not many nights left in the year that are going to be this warm. I try to avoid regrets of any kind, but occasionally the small ones find me. I've got to get myself a reclining lawn chair instead of lying in the grass in one of my good shirts. Ah well, the grass was reasonably dry and hasn't left a bunch of trimmings all over me. Yeah, I definitely need to do this more often -- get back into the habit. It really "centers" me, in a zen-ish sort of way. You can really lose yourself in a night sky. Sometimes that is a good thing. I guess I am weird because it never makes me feel small, doing that. I look up there and it's like the entire glittering universe fills me up. Maybe it's a side effect of a remarkable dearth of humility. I don't know. I only got in about half an hour of stargazing. Tonight is watering night and the sprinklers really throw a damper on the mood when they are started, and they need to be. I forgot them Sunday. The Valley is such a dry place in the summer.

I think I'm getting used to having the house to myself now. The place is still full of a great deal of my ex's junk/stuff, which she has yet to come and sort out and haul away to that wonderful place where I am not, but the silence reassures me that there is nobody here but me. Sometimes this place feels like living in a museum, after everyone else has left the building. It is empty, and yet full of memory. At first, I was really messed up about things. Grief would sneak up and punch me in the gut at the damnedest times, when I wasn't expecting it at all. Damned weird. Knock wood that it would have the decency to wait until I was by myself. She and I hadn't been getting along in months, and we had been on and off again almost since the day we met, but you still get attached to someone, even so, if you spend enough time with them. They become a part of you. I have some really moving memories that I will probably plop into here for personal contemplation someday or other. It was quite a fulfilling entanglement, all things considered, barring how it ended, of course. That's the way it's supposed to be anyway. You're supposed to fix family, not scrap it. At least, that's what I always thought.

At any rate, things keep changing. The bills are a mess, even though that's always been my job anyway. Oops. On the upside, I'm slowly getting them back under control. Also in the positives column, taking over the jobs that didn't used to be mine has not been as much of a nightmare that I thought it would be. In fact, tackling them has been something of a source of personal satisfaction. The house has never looked cleaner. I have mounted several expeditions to the grocery store, kept myself in clean laundry, managed to pack my own lunches and operate the oven. My old off-campus living skills are returning to me, slowly but surely. Baby steps, but still, not bad for a bachelor who relinquished the toaster oven and the microwave and has to resort to an actual gas range. Heh. I'm still going to replace that damned nuker though. It's too damned convenient not to do without, long term. I wonder whether I should replace the TV and possibly the VCR and DVD player first or the nuker. I haven't seen the glass teat in weeks. I may just go cold turkey on that bastard. I didn't watch it that much anyway, for television, per se. I recently read about this wacky experiment where two researchers, David Boyns and Desiree Stephenson, got 150 college kids to go home and watch a TV which was not on, for thirty minutes per day, and just record what happened to them. They got really off the wall results. Heh. I don't rent my brain out that cheaply. Broadcast and cable are really just passive. I really probably could go quite along while without replacing the damned thing, except for the fact that I burnt the video card in this machine and can't watch movies on my 21" monitor anymore until I replace it. The onboard video that I've had to fall back on is really basic -- won't handle anything better than 1280 x 1024 and it doesn't have the memory to buffer video. Heh. I'm a geek -- I'll get the video card first.

I've found other changes too. I'm losing weight. (That's a good thing). I've dropped about ten pounds since I've had to eat my own messes, and I'm not going to gripe about that, or even think about stopping that until I get lean again. Heh. I am also starting to notice a kind of personality "decompression" too. Being with my ex was kind of stressful, at the end, and that's fading away now. Ha, it's an ill-wind that blows nobody good, and this is not turning out to be entirely that. Furthermore, parts of my personality that had been getting squashed or repressed in our interactions are starting to reassert themselves. It's a shocking thing. My humor has come back, and my spontaneity and some exuberance too. Some days I have been feeling really great, which is a mind-bender, given the circumstances, and I start to recognize the me I was some time ago before things got strained. I had had no idea that that had even happened to me.

I think part of that has to do with finding LJ. This place is great. There are so many interesting people to talk to. I had been quite a hermit before. I'm a strange creature, and I don't get attached to people who don't "fit" with my personality, and people like that are unfortunately rare, for me. I can get along with almost anybody, even some people that many would regard as problematical, but I have few close friends. The beauty of LJ is that people can go all over the place and meet people whom they find interesting, instead of just those they happen to get thrown in with by circumstance. It's amazing how many diverse and uniquely fascinating people hang out here. LJ doesn't seem to attract only one "type," which is kind of counter intuitive, when I think about it. It seems to me that the format itself would tend to select for one particular "culture" among its adherents, but it hasn't, in any meaningful way that I have found yet. Even the people whose lives and circumstances are nothing like mine are ones that I find interesting and with whom I feel like socializing. I have been a total comment whore. It's so hard to shut up when someone says something that is interesting, or funny, or intriguing -- so I haven't -- even when I've started to bury my correspondent in text. For the past couple of weeks, I have been totally obsessed with playing with this stuff. Ha. Got to cut back a bit and post some more stuff in my own journal before people start getting sick of seeing my icon pop up in theirs. I suppose that is one of the pitfalls of being an enthusiastic newbie with a small friends list over which to distribute my attentions.


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FINALLY!

From one strange creature to another, you go!

Thank you, Mr. Footle. Let us continue to be inspirations to one another. I think you are an amazing person too.

Thank you. But, as you can see, I'm not the only ony you're inspiring...

All right, I'm curious

Whatchoo talkin' 'bout, Willis?

Well, it seems like adjusting your life is going good. Life can be amazing. Only thing is, usually, it takes a bit of work from us ;). Thanks for the comments you've left. I've appreciated them. I had been meaning to reply. Life was crazy though. And with the stress I was going through, it took me a while to reply to really anyone. But it's all good now. Hope you enjoy your new lifestyle. Make the most of it.

It is good to hear from you again. You've been posting as sparsely as myself. It's wonderful to see you in lighter spirit. I agree, life always takes work, but if we are careful, it can be work that we love. I can't say as I really "enjoy" my new lifestyle completely yet, there's too much crap still hanging unresolved, but I have begun to see more positives in it every day. Thanks.

Yeah. Can't say I'll do a perminent switch over here from DJ, but at least, I plan to start posting my entries in both instead of just that one. You'll get the hang of it. Don't worry. It'll be worth it in the end.

What the Footle said...

The beauty of LJ is that people can go all over the place and meet people whom they find interesting, instead of just those they happen to get thrown in with by circumstance. It's amazing how many diverse and uniquely fascinating people hang out here. LJ doesn't seem to attract only one "type," which is kind of counter intuitive, when I think about it. It seems to me that the format itself would tend to select for one particular "culture" among its adherents, but it hasn't, in any meaningful way that I have found yet. Even the people whose lives and circumstances are nothing like mine are ones that I find interesting and with whom I feel like socializing.

Hear hear.

Re: What the Footle said...

Thanks for commenting! I hope the fact that you took this time means that your novel is going well, despite that spate of flu you mentioned, or whatever that was. Given what you post, I'm sure that the book will be an interesting read.

Re: What the Footle said...

Well, I did enjoy the post. Haven't actually started writing yet; writing starts at 00:01 on November 1 2003; in the meantime, I'm just plotting. That hasn't progressed much this week; working by remote control while being sick at home is not conducive to creative anything except profanity.

Well done, Sirrah. I loved reading this. You have such an erudite quality to your entries (and comments) and I for one would never get sick of seeing your icon pop up in one of my posts.

I think the thing I identified with most in your entry is this:
Furthermore, parts of my personality that had been getting squashed or repressed in our interactions are starting to reassert themselves. It's a shocking thing. My humor has come back, and my spontaneity and some exuberance too. Some days I have been feeling really great, which is a mind-bender, given the circumstances, and I start to recognize the me I was some time ago before things got strained. I had had no idea that that had even happened to me.

You've described that feeling perfectly. It happens so gradually and it's so insidious in its machinations that you don't even realize it's happened. There is a rebirth after the death of the relationship that had precipitated those negative changes/suppressions. Can I ask how long you'd been with your ex and how long it's been since she moved out?

Babysteps. I had to do that when I started living in my house alone. And like yours, it's now the cleanest it's ever been, I'm on top of the bills, I cook regularly (always on the stove), I rarely watch the glass teat unless it's for movies, and I have a cozy, welcoming environment for me, my menagerie, family, and any friends who pop by. Renaissance indeed.

Yes. It is strange, I was sitting around thinking about some things I had been discussing here, and the people with whom I had been discussing them, and I thought, "I remember having this kind of fun when I was in college!" Then it hit me -- has it been that long? I decided that it hadn't really been that long. It had kept going away and coming back periodically throughout the last decade or so but I was blind to it until now. Of course that just made me wonder why it kept evaporating, and why had it evaporated so drastically within the last couple of years in particular. I'm not sure why it has, and trying to figure cause and effect out in this issue is like chasing the old chicken and egg problem. It made me sad to think that if I notice now what has happened, maybe my ex's reasons for leaving weren't as completely unfounded as I had thought. Was this part of the problem? Whose fault was that? What if these changes had happened earlier, might things have been different? Aughh. It's the chicken and the egg thing. I'm just glad to be recovering some stuff about me that I never realized was lost before, and that's a good thing.

Well-- so much to say, but I'll keep it short as I'm sure my employer would raise an eyebrow if I showed up topless due to my online addiction cutting into my "prep" time.

I am happy that you happened upon my journal so early on in your "lj career". In all honesty-- in spite of all the lj-friends we now share, I wonder if we would have been introduced to each other's existence otherwise.

I am also delighted that you seem to enjoy reading whatever it is I feel like posting. I love that you comment, and really do get "involved". I can tell that sometimes you worry that you're commenting too much. Couldn't happen, my dear.

Also, when you do get around to making a post I can not wait to read it. My eyebrows perk a bit, and I immediately dive right in.

Because my life has been very very crazy I haven't had the time to respond to all of your comments-- in fact, there are quite a few I'm still meaning to get around to. It's great that I'm always inspired to respond, even if I don't get around to it.

In other words: change nothing about you.

KTHNX!

Re: You Found Me First

Ah Muse. How nice of you to drop by! Yes, I do understand that you are busy. Even if you had no real-world life, you have such a big list of friends, I don't know how you keep up with it, and comment too. It's taken me all day, off and on just to compose replies to commenters. Your comment is down here near the end, but I must admit, even had it been first, I would have taken my time answering it. I am a big fan of delayed gratification you see, and I wanted to think about what to say in this reply. You have no idea how much it pleases me to be entertaining you at "my place" for a change!

Yes, I did indeed, of our mutual circle of friends, find you first. You have great taste in friends, and I am not just saying that in a perverse attempt at flattering myself, either. Heh. You are responsible for introducing me to the majority of the people I read now. As for how I first encountered your journal, I am somewhat fuzzy about that now, myself. As I seem to recall, I was playing around with a query tool script that allowed one to trace out the connections between any two LiveJournal users through chains of friends optimized to connections having the fewest possible links. I think your name came up in connections between two very different pairs of people, and that intrigued me! If I believed in the supernatural, I would be blessing the Incarnation of Serendipity now... Heh. Whether we would have ever met had that not happened strains the limits of speculation and I am not one to question happy accidents, I merely accept them and appreciate them when they are encountered.

Encountering your journal was the best brilliant lightning-stroke of serendipity that has hit me recently. You have no idea how much about LJ, and other things too, that I have learned from you. You do a remarkable job with your journal. Though I am very rarely inclined to take the word of critics, I am forced to agree with the ones who did those reviews. I love your writing too. It appears to be very spontaneous and yet it is well controlled. It strikes a perfect balance between what you choose to share, and what you keep to yourself. It is also very concentrated. You pack a great deal information into very few words. It is an amazing talent of which I am in awe. Take your first paragraph. In one sentence you have told me that:

  1. You are getting ready for work.
  2. You are wearing a two piece ensemble.
  3. You are pressed for time.
  4. You work for a conservative employer (ha ha).
  5. You are addicted to LJ.
  6. You worry about punctuality. ... and
  7. You have, into the bargain, managed to titillate gratuitously, any straight men or gay women who may come across this piece!
What an economy of language. That's pretty amazing for a one sentence paragraph of only 34 words! prolixfootle and I were just concurring tonight on YIM that, if by some change of heart, you tired of acting, you could always take up writing.

As for changing, well, from the encouragement I have been getting, I guess my compulsive posting is not causing anyone too much distress, so I guess I can keep doing it. On other fronts, as I explained in my post, I feel I am changing -- or reverting to something with which I had lost touch. That change though, is one that is very welcome and makes me feel pleased with myself, so it is all for the better. Thanks for the comment. It makes me want to go out and find something else interesting to post about!


despite the sad content--that was a very interesting read. thank you for sharing so much about the recent happenings in your life. sorry to hear about the downfall of your relationship, but it sounds like you're fairing well. i've had friends who get in relationships and certain key elements of their personalities are stifled or disappear altogether--i'm *really* glad you've realized that happened to you and that those attributes are popping back up. :)

Good to see you posting, sir, even if it's a bittersweet topic.

I'm right there with you on the post-relationship changes. The difference in my case being that Tricia kept the apartment and I moved out. Weight loss, the return of previously stifled personality traits, new friends, wistful memories -- ditto on all of it.

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