Robert (Bro. Pepper-spray of Reasoned Discussion) (montecristo) wrote,
Robert (Bro. Pepper-spray of Reasoned Discussion)
montecristo

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I have been out practicing random acts of wanton consensual Capitalism. I admit it. Hi, my name's Bob, and I am a Capitalist Pig. I really did need to get out of the house. There is entirely too much stressful crap going on lately. I really have got a pile of worries that have been lapping up to my chin, and I needed a diversion. I didn't go quite so far as full-blown retail therapy (although I am a believer in such, under the right conditions) but... Gah. I need to send out holiday cards this year so I went for the nearest Hallmark store. That happened to be in Stoneridge Mall, over in Pleasanton. I confess, shopping is kind of cool. If that sounds less than masculine, blame my mother and grandmother. As a boy, they used to take me shopping and mall-crawling with them all the time, as map-reader and native bearer, and I kind of got hooked on it. It's better with company though, especially women, who always want to buy the damnedest things. They're like urban hunting dogs. They flush out the damndest quarry in the mall -- all kinds of interesting stuff you'd never notice by yourself. Ah well, it was fun enough by myself anyway.

I bought myself a card to send my mom, as her birthday is this Friday, and a couple of boxes of holiday cards...and I warn my friends: I'm not afraid to use them. Now, if I can just get them all written out and sent before more than one or two days pass so that people will see them before next Christmas. I get funny, non-religious cards, in the first place because I have a warped and active sense of humor, in the second, I can send them to atheist or non-Christian friends, and in the third, because I myself am not a believer, either. If anyone I know sees this and thinks I don't know your address, you're welcome to send me an e-mail with your address and that way I'll be sure to send you out a card.

It was an interesting adventure. Stoneridge is a two-level deal. It's anchored by Macy's and J.C. Penney’s and I believe, one other department store...maybe. What a place. The jazzy Christmas Muzak was going full swing and the Santa-land thing was up and running, and Saint Nick was out there schmoozing the miniature people. Shockingly enough, there were very few takers for giving Santa the wish list in person, but then kids were a bit scarce at that hour anyway. I have yet to talk a girlfriend into sitting on Santa's lap for a picture, but I have tried before. That's always fun. Huh. Maybe I should have consulted with the venerable dispenser of holiday largess and seen if he could fix me up with something hot and sweet. Who am I kidding -- have we not seen Mrs. Clause?! Ohhh-kaaay. Maybe that's not such a good idea and I should continue to rely on my own slow but redoubtable recognizance.

The food smells were driving me nuts as soon as I came in the door. Fortunately, will power in my grasp, I proceeded to Hallmark first and accomplished my mission. A side trip to the bookstore also produced a nifty textbook on the Unix Bash shell, the mysteries of which, I have been attempting to deepen my understanding. Unix and I go way back. It's a great operating system. Heh. I love bookstores. The ex and I addicted our daughters on books at a very young age too. Some of Jackie's very first words were "Book-a! Book-a!" plaintively spoken to us when she thought we were going to exit the bookstore without getting her a book.

I was wandering past one of those conversation-pit rest areas when I heard some twenty-something lady address me: "XYZ, My Brother." Yee Gahds! Yup. It was me. I think I left my brains at work today. When in the hell did that happen. In an attempt to keep the mortification from going terminal, I shot back, "Thanks for catching my front, Sister!" but the line really lacks impact when it is delivered out of a face that looks like Rudolph's nose. Oh, that'll teach me to linger too long in front of Victoria's Secret with my hand in my pocket! Gah! Call me Aqualung. That's right, don't stare, Baby. He'll leap outta there and bite you...all three and a half inches of that beefy python. (I think I should stick to metric measurements, which are easier on the ego.) Augghhh! I shudder to think that I had been walking around like that since leaving the house. Great Hod! Short attention-span theater for sure. Shoot me now, please.

So, after surreptitiously recombobulating my wayward raiment, I finished my tour of the facility. There's a Wetzel's Pretzels there. They smelled fantastic, but I wasn't going to buy one until I saw the pepperoni twist pretzel. Yum! It was like a pizza-pretzel. Of course I couldn't resist. Later, I was seduced by that naughty vixen, Mrs. Fields, and her cruelly delicious semi-sweet chocolate chip cookies. Later than that, I gave thanks that Mrs. Fields had charmed me with her wiles, or at least her wares, before I noticed Ms. See's fine candy establishment. Damn! Important safety tip: do not visit the mall on an empty stomach. That mall was full of a good number of interesting-looking dining establishments.

On the way to the exit, I noticed a movie poster for Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events" which is out this Friday. Naturally, I immediately called up Jackie and left a message for her to see if she and her sister want to visit this weekend and see it. They've read all of the books. Next Monday, the ex and her squeeze toy are departing with them to visit his parents in Michigan and hers in Ohio and they won't be back until after the first of the year.

Tags: day in the life, family and friends, humor, movies
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