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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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Montecristo Captain Quixote

Flogging a Dead Horse

Well, it's midnight now, and given that most of a continent stands betwixt our respective homes, it looks like I'm not going to get to take prolixfootle up on his offer of sharing some of those tasty-sounding steaks *stomach rumbles hungrily* for a snack, so I guess I will just have to settle for horsemeat. It's okay, I feel like beating a dead horse right about now. In case it has not been obvious to anyone reading, there has been an issue on my brain lately -- my newly-bestowed "singleness." This post relates somewhat to the last one I made. Specifically, it answers some questions morganaus asked of me which she has probably come to believe that I have ducked. Well, I didn't. I just had to think about things, which seems to be a pattern in our interactions. This time though, instead of just replying, I decided to use the thought products for an actual entry. Hey, I'm learning. I think I may just be getting the hang of this posting stuff.

Before I begin, I have just one caveat about what I'm feeling right about now. It's not really bad. It's kind of...neutral, or detached, at the moment. I think it's important to say that before people feel the need to commiserate and start distributing "hugs n' slugs" :-) in well-meaning comments. It's not that I don't appreciate sympathy -- I do -- it's just that I'm not feeling a need for any right now, and this post is not about fishing for some. I really dislike being the object of sympathy except when I really need it. It's okay. Everyone who has commented to me has been wonderful, and if I were really down I'd appreciate your kind concerns, it's just that I'd prefer that you saved them for some time when I really need them. It happens still, every once in awhile, and it's been kind of off and on and unpredictable, but it's not bothering me right now. If I find myself in need of a lift, I will not hesitate to say so. I like to maintain a positive outlook and I am leery of unnecessary treatment! Any other comments, hell, even "hugs n' slugs" if you really, really must, are more than welcome.

With that said, ...as I said above, morganaus asked what I found to be an interesting question. On the surface, it looks rather innocuous: "Can I ask how long you'd been with your ex and how long it's been since she moved out?" Well, I'm here to tell her that the answer is, "Yes, you just did, Dear." Okay. Just kidding. To begin to answer the question I can say that I was "with her" (as in living together) for twelve years. Sounds like a pretty straightforward answer to the question doesn't it. It does, until you stop to ask, well, what did Mary mean by "together?" Crystal (I can't just keep calling her "my ex," even if I have to "risk" my anonymity just to get rid of that foolishly ambiguous term) and I had known one another and had "been seeing each other" for six years previous to that dozen years of living together, so really we have "been together" for eighteen years, if that is considered to be the working definition of "being together." To some people, I know that constitutes an incredibly long time, but to me it doesn't really feel like it. It doesn't really feel like it, not because it's not a long time, as lives go, but because to me, it just felt like "my life." It's hard to chop your own life up into phases and chapters while you are living it. It is harder still, even now, to regard a relationship that I had expected to last the rest of our days, as having a finite limit that I have lived to see. I really don't know if I can really help anyone who hasn't experienced this phenomenon to understand it, but it is a strange thing to experience. Perhaps this feeling does not seep out of the wreckage of shorter-lived relationships. I don't know. Certainly the evanescent relationships in which I had previously been involved did not give this perception when they ended.

When the dust in the field has flown,
And the youngest of hearts has grown,
And you doubt you will ever be free,
Don't bail on me.

-- Sheryl Crow
I sit here and wonder if anyone is ready or willing to hear the answer to a question that was not asked: What was the nature of the relationship? Crystal and I were married. We were married in 1991, and that constitutes our dozen years of "living together." Why didn't I just say that before? To tell you the truth, I am not really sure why I didn't, although I will indulge in speculation, presently. It's crazy, really, downright funny, the more I think about it. You have no idea. I have "neglected" to mention, to the people I have met since Crystal left, the fact that I was Married, and that is only the half of it! Almost all of the people I have known before she left, the ones who have known me as "a happily married man" do not know that she is gone, even now. I pack my lunch and make my suppers and trade off, depending upon how late I am running, between cooking myself breakfast and buying it from Ronald McDonald. To the 50 or so people where I work, all of whom I know and to whom I speak regularly, nothing has changed. This includes even the three or four of them with whom I go out for coffee at lunchtime. Prior to now, the only people who knew that I was married, but that my wife is now gone, are my parents and my brother, back in Ohio and two others in Ohio, who are friends from my college days. If my brother does indeed know, it is my parents who informed him. He and I get along just fine, I guess. We like each other fine and all, but when a phone and 2500 miles separates us, we find that our lives are too alien to each other for us to have anything in common to talk about. My mom kind of acts like a bulletin board for the two of us and that's about all we have to say to each other. Hmmm. That reminds me that I have to call him tomorrow (first time in months) as he has just come home from the hospital and is recovering from minor back surgery. Hmmm. Perhaps we shall have interesting things to discuss this time. As I said, only two other people knew. One is a lady I went to school with, and shared a house (platonically) with in our senior year, and the other is her husband, who I know less well, but also consider a good friend. Them, I talk to all the time, but they also live in Ohio, so it's all on line. All I can say is that if it wasn't happening for real, and especially to me, it would be comedy.

I have a few ideas about how this weird set of circumstances has come about, why I am reticent to mention to some that I have been married and to others that it is gone, but the clock now reads 5:00AM and I can't type any more. Thirty more words and I will fall over on my keyboard, drool into it and electrocute myself, and as I said above, my self-preservation instincts are working just fine. Probably I will post the remainder of the answer to morganaus's question in a few days. Real life intrudes.

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I completely missed this and only found the link to it in your other entry. I had no idea you were married. You are somewhat enigmatic, for sure.

I'm glad you liked the hugs 'n' slugs. I never thought of it that way, but it's apt, isn't it? It describes how different people react to other people's pain and how each tries to "cheer up" the afflicted.

I'm not really sure what to say about your relationship with Crystal, so I will instead ask that you spell my user name correctly in the future. ;)

Looks like you and the footle are dealing with somewhat similar circumstances. My best goes out to you both.

Sorry about the spelling thing. I throw myself on the mercy of the court and have only one thing to say in my defense. I was feeling very tired and wrung out after writing that and my proof-reading suffered. When I posted and LJ didn't recognize the tag as an invalid user (someone here must spell their handle like that) I didn't think anything of it. I suppose I shall have to edit it now and fix the links.

Yeah, Footle and I could have an interesting time comparing notes, except that I haven't really been ready to do that, until now. I hope to finish answering your question (the "when did she go" part) perhaps this weekend, and possibly get clear on why I have such an outrageous time until now even discussing it. Thanks for the comment.

I was just teasing about the spelling. Leave it. :)

Whenever you're ready. It's your journal, put in it what you like. I just like to ask questions and frankly, yours are some of the most thoughtful comments because you spend so much time thinking about them and trying to convey your opinions, etc. Do what you will - we'll keep reading regardless. xo

Okay, I fixed the spelling. Sorry about that again. Sometimes I need to pay attention, instead of just renting it. Yes, it needed fixing because the the misspelling was someone else's user tag, I think, because LJ accepted the misspelled tag, and it shouldn't have if there was no such user. Actually, I know there is such a user -- check him out: morganus. He's a Pokemon addict, not very much like you at all. : )

As for the post itself, you missed it because I back-dated it, as I explained to prolixfootle. It needed proofread, as you discovered, but I wanted its posting time to reflect its context, and that's why it probably scrolled off everyone's page.

I am an enigma? Isn't everyone? It's all part of the human condition, isn't it? Of course, you were possibly implying that I am more enigmatic than most. If you did mean that, I'm curious: how so? If it's just the complications you're commenting on, believe me, I know, and you have no idea of the half of it. I'm trying to hammer them out right about now. I'm on a crash-course of self-worth and personal value, salvage and recovery right now, and that is the inspiration for my LJ handle. I'll be posting more. It really helps me think things through and getting feedback is also strangely helpful and satisfying in a way I had not anticipated. I'm usually more reserved in RL, if I don't know someone, but LJ has allowed me to accomplish two things: It has allowed me to meet people whom I find interesting and whose thoughts I enjoy hearing, and it has kind of allowed me to work my way gradually into opening up about some things -- the "LJ cherry" to which I have refferred before. I'm getting a posting rhythm down. I'll be posting more, and then maybe people won't think I'm quite so enigmatic. ; ) Thanks for your comments, they are always so thought-provoking, and that's a good thing.

Wow. That other morganus is quite different. Oh yes. (shhhh, it's my alter ego) Also, I had seen your comment to Mr. Footle, which is why I backdated in order to see it.

Some people tend to be more enigmatic than others, despite the necessity for everyone to be slightly enigmatic as part and parcel of the human condition. I think just the thought that is put into each comment demonstrates that you are terrifically introspective yet I do believe you'd be far more reserved in person. In addition, it's that you don't seem to have discussed details of your personal life much, which only adds to the mystique, yes?

I look forward to reading more!

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