montecristo

Still nothing. Seven more months and things are still pretty much the same. I keep flirting with the idea of totally shutting her out — just saying to hell with it and letting whatever I feel for her dry up and blow away. It would be so easy to do that. I get so tired of being burned, and the fact that our sexual relationship has been dead and gone for so many months now I can no longer count, is nothing but incentive for me to just let her blow away. It’s stupid to chase her. She gets on the computer and tells all her little internet girlfriends what a bastard I am (for merely existing, no doubt) and then she just clams up around me. The truth here is that she has no grounds and she knows it. Confronting me with her fantasies/delusions about what's going on between us would break them, and I think she needs them. She needs the vindication. Her delusions keep her from having to confront the person in her mirror. I should just give it up. I’m not going to get anywhere with her and I am no longer sure where I would end up if I could get anywhere with her. I am not sure what she is anymore. I'm tired. When did I sign up for this? When and why did she decide to stop being my wife? There are real bastards in this world whose spouses treat them with more affection. I go out of my way to accomdate her and it isn't enough — I am The King of All Assholes in her book. A man gets tired of trying to be a hero for the woman he loves and having it thrown in his face. She's so corrosive to my psyche and sense of self-worth and I should not allow it.

We went out last Monday, by ourselves. Hmm. That was a rare occasion. It was some event staged by the girls’ gymnastics studio — they offer to look after the charges from six to ten while the parents go out. Probably, the thinking is that parents would be looking for some time away from the kids to do a bit of last minute Christmas shopping together. Anyway, we didn’t have any more shopping to do so we ended up going to dinner and a movie. I couldn’t tell what in the hell was on her mind, and she got all pissy with me when I attempted to find out a couple of days before. Why act attracted to me and receptive and then become obscure and reticent whenever I show any interest? I let the matter drop. It never gets me anywhere to try. I guess I should just accept the fact that she occasionally plays head games with herself that are unfathomable to me, that have nothing to do with me, or what she feels about me, and just leave it go at that. I shouldn't try to understand it or even respond to it. It doesn’t pay to try to figure out what the heck she is thinking. It doesn't help and it just pisses her off. All the occasion succeeded in doing was confusing me...as if that’s new. I really doubt that she’s attempting to come to some new accord with me, if that is even possible. It’s not as if she’s going to come to me whispering dirty talk and wearing nothing but a peignoir. I am not for her, at least not anymore. Why does she appear to be flirting with the idea of attraction to me? This is frustrating and annoying. If she'd just be a cold fish all the time, that I could understand. This coy receptiveness followed by ice just makes me crazy and exhausted.