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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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Montecristo Captain Quixote

Guess who's coming to dinner

Here I am at work. I'm not really doing a good job of concentrating, which is okay, because the network is acting up and the mail is sporadic and nobody else here is being very productive or making any progress today either. There are things I could be doing, but I just am lacking motivation at the moment. I have been chasing a teeny tiny little annoying bug in this code all day and I have been chasing it since Thursday. I hate the frustrating little problems -- there's usually so little reward in solving them, and yet they are frustrating as hell when they stymie you. I'm going to consult with one of my counterparts here tomorrow and I am going to tear this critter apart line by line and find that little bastard and step on it. Frequently I miss having a debugger or an emulator with which to attack these things. It's like trying to do brain surgery with one arm behind you, but that's the environment I work in and at least the pay is pretty decent and the people good.

I'm having insomnia again. I know why. Stress is annoying, but I think I'm dealing okay with it, all other things considered. It is making me feel tired all the time and "tight" in the muscles though, and I actually believe that it has caused my vison to change subtlely, because it seems a bit harder to bring things into focus since last month, but I just had my eyes checked and these glasses are only a little over two months old. At least I am not getting tension headaches though, knock wood. Perhaps things will improve when I start my morning regime at the health club after the first session on November third.

I spoke with a cousin of mine in Ohio last night/this morning on YIM. She's up late because she's home from work with a back injury and usually works third shift anyway. I was up until 2AM doing laundry and chatting. She and I have been friends since she was born. She's quite a bit younger than me and is planning to get married soon, but I think she's conflicted about what she wants. She thinks my ex will come back to me. I couldn't make her understand why half of me is very much in dread of that "opportunity." Being alone has clarified things a bit for me, but it has also added to their gravity. What a can of worms this mess has opened up for me. My cousin is very conservative. Her parents divorced when she was a child, and her father died of cancer soon after (don't smoke kids, it's not a pretty way to die, believe me) which is one of the factors that I think prompts her to try and "save" me. I'm not sure what to think about that. Being single is a daunting prospect, but I'm less and less certain as time goes on, that what I had was such a workable thing, after all. Heh. Perhaps it won't even be an issue. Maybe Crystal will mean what she says this time and it will be permanent. It feels that way. She says that paperwork is on the way but it seems to be taking such a horrible long time. How can you both dread and anticipate something like that? I feel hopeful, but then I feel guilty about being hopeful. What a mess.

I got myself invited to Robert's house tonight, for dinner and work. His wife is making ravioli. Heh. The infamous Robert and Robert duo are finally going to get somewhere on this mad project of ours. Gah. It's horribly speculative, but I want it to work so damned badly. On the other hand, I have so much on the brain lately, it's pushing me into procrastination mode on the design and coding of the software. It's like pulling eye teeth to sit down get started, but this project is not complicated at all, software-wise. There's too much junk cluttering my brain lately. I want to bury myself in the code and make this damned thing work, but I have trouble getting started and getting a good work-flow going. Perhaps tonight's attack on the problem will put the ball into better motion. Robert and I work really well together. We each understand how the other thinks and our thought processes are complimentary. I hope his wife and daughter will be out of the way and let us tackle these design issues on which we are working, instead of trying to be sociable. His daughter is four, so maybe she will keep her mother occupied and we can bury our noses in processor details and functional specifications. We've got to get this thing rolling. We are hoping to have the first prototype well before the end of the year.

We tried to get some work done this afternoon, but this guy we met, and who also joins us frequently, joined us today too. Tom claims to be a whiz at scrounging up venture capital for neat new ideas. He wants to work with us. He wants a piece of the action, I can tell. He drops lots of names and claims that he's leaving subtle hints in certain ears, so that they will be ripe to listen when we need him to pitch this thing, but I really don't have the skillset to evaluate what he says. I have no idea how he can fit in, either. If he can put us into contact with people who can invest, it will be a great help when it is time to capitalize on this thing, but if not, he could be a liability. We certainly could use the help. Neither of us knows much about starting and running a company. I am glad this is Robert's company and he gets to make the decision about whether or not to let this guy in. He's really leaning on Robert to let him help, but the thing he does not appear to understand is that we do not have a prototype yet, and we are not sure, even when we get a prototype, whether it will work on the first go or whether we will have to experiment and tweak to get this thing going. As I said, it's speculative. It may not work at all, if certain of Robert's theories and understandings are wrong. Right now, we have nothing to show, and without that, nobody is going to be interested. We should have circuit boards and software (as soon as I can beat myself into focus) within the next two months or so. Despite Robert's optimism, I am convinced that we are going to have to go back to the drawing boards for modifications and tweaks before anything will work -- if it ever works. I hope we can pull this off. It would change so much in my life to make this work. Sometimes I think the prospect is too big to contemplate.

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So, are you nervous about the significant milestone that is upcoming?

Ah Footle, I am at something of a loss here. To which milestone do you refer -- getting divorce papers, having a funtioning prototype on the project, or something else entirely?

Something else entirely, at least according to this

By the way, I Googled you. Do you write a lot of letters to the editor?

Re: do-do-Do-do Do-DOOO!!

Bio page. Oh! You mean my approaching 40th birthday. Well, yes, I have thought something about it. I'd be lying if I said otherwise. On the other hand, as I said in that recent post, I find it extremely difficult to divide my life up into neat little closeable chapters, especially while I am living it. Part of me is still the boy who liked fishing in the rural creek near my home, and loves watching thunderstorms (still, however rare in California), and who was addicted to Dungeons and Dragons, and Mad Magazine. Like I said, life to me is not a sum of parts but an acretion of joys, pains, and experiences which continues to get richer the longer it procedes.

As for Google-ing me. Yes, there are opinions of mine floating around out there. I am a believer in the old saw that one should never attempt to teach a pig to sing -- it wastes your time and annoys the pig. Therefore I don't really write many letters to the editor, although I am certainly the type to do so. No, I go where I feel my opinion will be welcome, or at least tolerated with interest, and I engage in writing there. I love discussing issues and ideas, and I am very opinionated and not afraid that anyone know it. I'm flattered that you would be interested enough in what I have to say to go looking for it. In my opinion, you write well and thoughtfully and are very interesting to read as well.

Re: do-do-Do-do Do-DOOO!!

Thanks, but I'm not sure I totally agree. Most of my ‘personal’ posts always seem whiney and self-serving. And my opinions, while extant, are not often disclosed because of their ill-defined nature. I usually can’t get people to understand the point.

And, since you are somewhat… deliberate… in the revelations by posting department, I thought I’d explore a few other avenues. I generally like to see what my friends are about.

As for natal day anniversaries… I myself don’t feel the need to emphasize them as most people do, and in fact try to downplay them as much as possible. However, society has deemed them of importance, and most people refuse to respect my non-celebratory wishes. I have the same anniversary coming up in the not too distant future, and I am not looking forward to it at all, because my co-workers are certain to… mark the occasion.

Ah well. As you can no doubt tell, my sour mood continues.

You know, until just recently, I hadn’t realized that you were married. I though you were simply cohabitating. Odd, isn’t it, the misconceptions one gets.

I sincerely hope things turn out the way you wish, my friend. If you ever want to compare war wounds (or chat about anything under the sun, or behind it, or above it…), just ring in on Y!IM.

Re: do-do-Do-do Do-DOOO!!

I believe that it is an old Jewish saying by Rabi Hillel that goes: "If I am not for myself, who will be for me? But If I am only for myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" I don't think what you write is too self-serving. In many ways, I fear that it is not self-serving enough. You also have the habit of thinking that people are misunderstanding you when they are really just disagreeing with you. I'm not throwing rocks here, I have the habit of doing it too.

What do you mean by "deliberate in the revelations by posting department"? Now I am failing to understand, exactly. What other avenues? By the way, that Google search, at least the ones that I ran, fail to turn up some of my best written opinion pieces and letters, IMNSHO.

I think we are again on the same page with regard to birthdays. I don't like people to go out of their way to make a big production out of it, and I hate to be forced into a spotlight and made the center of a production, but I do enjoy intimate celebrations with close friends and people I specifically seek out. There's nothing wrong with cake with friends, Mr. Footle. People who like you will seek out opportunities to wish you well. Be magnanimous and indulge them, if they are not too obnoxious about it.

The reason you did not know that I was/am-tenuously married, is that I had not mentioned it until I posted a few days ago. The post was an answer to a question that morganus had asked me, and I only answered half the question in that post. I damn near fell asleep when writing it, as it was a long post and it was late in the evening when I had to stop and sleep finally overthrew insomnia as I was preparing to post it. So, rather than post without proof-reading, I left it until later. The thing is, I wanted to post it according to the time it was written, so I back-dated it, and I believe that it slipped off people's friends-radar, consequently. I was not finished saying what I had to say, but the second part post will also be long, and I had planned to link back to the first part when I post the second one, perhaps this weekend.

Re: do-do-Do-do Do-DOOO!!

Ah, yes. I had missed that one, and I've even been visiting your Journal! How remiss of me. Even so, you're still very... reserved... in what you reveal in posts. Not that I'm complaining or anything. I completely understand.

The other avenues to explore were those revealed by Google, the idea of which you can attribute to fearsclave, who mentioned that you find unusual things when you Google yourself (but only if you have a sufficiently unique name, which I, alas, do not).

Re: do-do-Do-do Do-DOOO!!

Happy impending 4-0, sir!

I decided upon the eve of my 33rd that my birthday would be, forever more, tomorrow. It's a highly effective trick, which you are more than welcome to co-opt, if you choose.

Re: do-do-Do-do Do-DOOO!!

Thank you for your well wishes, they are appreciated. I neither avoid birthdays, nor am I comfortable with making enormous productions out of them -- I am merely gracious when I am well-wished, and I just increment my age and be done with it. Thanks again. I am a firm believer that you are as old as you choose to be, in many ways. Go on being 33 as long as you wish -- it's not a bad age to be.

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