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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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The Hanged Man Captain Caesura

and I'd like to change my life and you know I would

I just put the garbage out and I'm waiting for one more load of laundry to come out of the dryer before I turn in. I'm a bit sleepless this evening, but I think Morpheus may be sneaking up on me, quietly. That will be good. I hate going to work fried on too little sleep. Wow. It's wonderful out tonight. There's a full moon. Last night I noticed the almost daylight coming through the blinds on my bedroom windows. There are only a couple of stars and illuminated cumulus clouds here and there in the sky. It's surprisingly warm for this time and this time of year. It's in the upper fifties or lower sixties by the feel of the temperature. There's very little breeze. It'd be a great night for star gazing, but it's kind of late to be dragging out the air mattress. It's still a bit cool for it too. Something is blooming again out there. It smells great, like spring.

Spring is coming. March 3 will mark the start of my third year here in Livermore. I still have some boxes to unpack and books to shelve. Things are changing, but I can't see where they're going. So many people I know are so much in dread of these caesuras or "le sas"(es), or feeling as if they lack direction. Somehow, I can't get worked up over my personal Sargasso Sea. I suppose that might have something to do with McGuffin, and the fact of that project's undeniable progress. I don't know. I have a stout sense of patience and I figure things take as long as they need to take to happen. Stuff is getting ready to break loose. I feel a restlessness for which I cannot place an origin.

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I think that your calm attitude is undoubtedly healthier that those who panic when faced with change they can't name, contain or steer. Could this even-keeledness come from being a midwest-born male?

Aw, now look what you've done...you've gone and started me thinking. Heh heh

Heh heh, as I said over on your page, it is good to see you return from your invasion of the British Isles. Heh, as infrequently as I post, I should talk, but I did miss reading your adventures.

So, you think this even-keeledness may come from growing up in a climate where the weather is tempestuous and doesn't know what it's doing from one day to the next, and that perhaps this has inculcated a bovine placidity? Heh heh. Maybe it breeds an acceptance that we must wait for the seasons -- that they cannot be rushed? Us Midwestern salts of the earth with our rooted agrarian sensibilities are not bowled over by minor storms, or the desire to "make life happen" at an unnatural pace, eh? What that has to do with being male, I'm not sure. You certainly are a woman of interesting questions and fascinatingly different perspectives.

I don't know, really. I know plenty of Midwesterners, male and female, who experience times in their lives where they seem to be feeling like the Springsteen song: "Dancing In The Dark". I think my own lack of angst at "waiting" is particular to my individual thinking, and it has more to do with the realization that the Universe does not contest with us. Bad things happen, fortunate opportunities arise, but all in all, there's nothing out there to aid or smite us -- just ourselves and non-conscious circumstances. We get what we make of ourselves and our opportunities, for the most part. If I am waiting, or have stopped to assess my direction and get my bearings, it is because I want to do so, or I need to do so, and therefore, it is the right thing for me to do. Of course, I tend to find things to go after in my life, like McGuffin, and that means that I'm not usually ever really directionless, per se, at least not for very long. It just feels like it, because Livermore is nice, but it's not really home, and things are about to change. If McGuffin breaks loose soon, and it looks like it may, then I suspect I may not be staying here in Livermore, although I really don't plan to leave the Bay Area.

Re: Aw, now look what you've done...you've gone and started me thinking. Heh heh

I think my own lack of angst at "waiting" is particular to my individual thinking

I would agree that this seems to be your innate personality, and not a function of geography.

Lots of men are like this, thankfully. It is beneficial, because it balances out the female's typically "oh my god, what is my course?" way of looking at the future.

The calm before the storm

Interesting imagery your post conjures up for me, especially given your chosen mood. Like a man on the ocean, all by his lonesome, right before the skies erupt and he faces the perfect storm.

Your stoic nature wouldn't allow you to get too rattled, at least not from what I've seen. I have to imagine though, that McGuffin certainly gives you some sense of being grounded and with direction. Sure, it's not your nature to needlessly worry, but you are human, right? Sure you are. The fact that you still have unpacked boxes after three years proves it.

Stormy? Maybe. I'm Ben Franklin, out with my kite to be enlightened or lightning struck. Heh

You may be right. I'm expecting some storms. Nevertheless, I'm not really apprehensive -- it's more like curiosity.

I don't have a "stoic nature," at all, heh heh. You and ingenuemuse have this thing about conflating resilience with stoicism. From where does that come? The stoics were Vulcans (to geek-out on Star Trek). They thought passion and emotion were anathema. That isn't me. It is interesting that the name of an ancient Roman philosophy somehow finds its way into our culture and yet it's meaning for many has been lost or has undergone change. I wonder why.

Heh. You're very perceptive. I am only at a pause in one aspect of life. I'm feeling a tad rootless, but that's not really the same as directionless, is it? Part of me is waiting. I think I'm leery of trying to settle things and put down roots when I'm expecting things to change quite a bit this year. Maybe in failing to distinguish rootlessness from directionlessness, I have missed the point with what I wrote. I guess it's not quite the same thing as that of which I have heard many of my friends complain. I feel rootless, but I have direction. I think maybe you and others are feeling rooted but are wondering about direction.

Resilience / stoicism... you say tomato, I say tomato, but a potato is completely different.

: not affected by or showing passion or feeling; especially : firmly restraining response to pain or distress

1 : the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2 : an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change

There you have it... stoic.

Or maybe it's just the face you wear for the world. I just know that in any times of change or periods which could be construed as negative that I have read of you thus far, you never exhibited "a strained body that was deformed". Sure, I'll give you definition two, you recover easily... but to recover suggests that you need to "lose it" in order to be resilient enough to "reform". Ya dig?

Maybe there is a better word altogether.

I'm definitely rooted. Rooted and directionless. Bah. At least I'm having some fun.

Re: Resilience / stoicism... you say tomato, I say tomato, but a potato is completely different.

Heh heh. I would never call you a tomato. It's a very sexist term. I respect you for your mind too, you know.

Actually, I was referring to the more formal definition of the term "stoicism," which is the name of an actual philosophical system. Er... okay, maybe I am... just a little bit.

Re: Resilience / stoicism... you say tomato, I say tomato, but a potato is completely different.

LOL that was just perfect.

I like the word "caesura," and that's a good use of it.

Really? That's interesting.

Frankly, I like the word "coruscate," but I couldn't figure out a way to work it into this entry. *snerk*

Happy Valentine's Day, pet!

I always suspected that you would one day get yourself a bee icon.

Happy Valentines Day to you too, Honey Bee.

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