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Montecristo Captain Quixote


The World Line of the Horizon Star

Some would say I was a lost man in a lost world

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Montecristo Captain Quixote

If I stay too long you can let me down

This afternoon I was thinking about a girl I knew in high school and junior high. It was in the context of thinking about early crushes brought on by an earlier discussion of same. I had wondered what had become of her and did some gratuitous internet stalking. I was surprised to still be able to locate her, still in the town where we had grown up — not that I attach any significance for good or ill to that circumstance.

I found out that she apparently ran a small business and that she and her spouse were selling their house. They have a nice home. I was looking for a picture of her when it occurred to me that despite my curiosity I almost didn't want to see it, so I stopped looking for one. The feeling that perhaps I didn't want to see what she looked like now just kind of sneaked up on me but it persists. I'm not sure why, but I prefer to remember her as I had as a boy, known her then, about the same age as my daughters are now, with her shy but warm smile and pretty eyes, looking cute with her sexy legs and freshly blossomed figure in her cheerleader's outfit.

I have an aversion to going back there, to the life I knew once. No big scandal, embarrassment or outrage deterrs me from reconnecting. I just feel no connection anymore and not only no desire to re-establish a connection but an actual aversion to doing so. I don't know why I feel this way and it is weird to contemplate it. My past, with the exception of a friend or two and family, here and there, becomes detached from me. It falls away and becomes as if frozen in amber — something, while not necessarily to be forgotten, I regard it as something no longer to be touched and personally experienced again. I don't know why this should be so. It seems unusual. Most people I talk to do not share this experience.

Just out of curiosity, I Googled and internet-searched some old actual girlfriends. I have a small handful. I found them. With the exception of my former wife, I previously had no idea what became of any of them. I've not seen or heard from any of them since before I was married back in 1991. I still have no intention of contacting any of them. Is that strange? Part of me thinks so. I ask myself how it is possible to sleep with a woman and then have her just vanish out of one's life forever. It was no conscious design on my part. They just have different lives and families now and I just feel that our connection belongs in the past and has no place in the present. I must assume that I am eminently forgettable since obviously our non-communication is mutual. We don't even send cards, and yet I can still remember their birthdays, the days we met, and the last days when I saw each of them. In one case, neither of us wanted to stop being with the other, but both of us realized that circumstances were such that there was no future to the relationship. We wrote to each other a couple of times and then stopped. In a couple of cases, there was animosity in the break-up, but I really can't imagine any of my former girlfriends not having a smile for me if I happened to encounter her again — so why is it that I am not inclined to do so? There is a part of me that feels that just having the question reveals some sort of ridiculous naiveté.

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I have a crush, at the moment, and little things about him keep reminding me of past loves. It's weird and a little disquieting, but at the same time oddly reassuring to know that some common thread of taste is connecting me to who I used to be.

Or maybe that's just the sleepy talking. (I woke up at 9:30, at which time I was still in eastern time, and it is long past my bedtime.)

Ah, jet lag, it'll get you.

I hope you manage to get a good sleep.

"A common thread of taste" — I like that concept. Yes, the older I get, the easier it becomes for me to see what it is in people that attracts me. Each person is absolutely unique to themselves, but there are variations on themes and it is good to be able to identify some of these. It helps me to know myself.

Re: Ah, jet lag, it'll get you.

That's a nice way of looking at it. Personally it just makes me wonder if relationships based on those traits are doomed to end the same way as the previous ones--but I've been in that kind of mood lately.

I find it is best to go on a case-by-case basis, i.e. some past lovers are best left completely in the past; some can be incorporated into current life circumstances, and some should just drop dead and die. Mostly, it's best to handle exes as one does with sleeping dogs: let them lie.

Agreed. I think most of us have an aversion to loose ends, but loose ends as we perceive them. Most of the time, the process through which lovers become past lovers leaves few loose ends, for better or worse. Absent an impetus to make the break clean, there is little reason for future contact most of the time.

Hmm, perhaps it is not as strange as I thought.

It seemed weird though, how the past just drops away and is gone, as if nothing lasts, but perhaps this phenomenon is more common today. Taken statistically, we are nomads, the people of our culture much more mobile now and less rooted than we used to be.

Yes, I think you're probably right.

I must say though that I have been pretty lucky in my life. Although I agree with you that it's better to let the past stay where it is, I never really have had a former relationship in which I wished the other party would "drop dead and die." I guess the closest I could come to that would be my ex. Some time after she left I fantasized about dancing on her grave. Some time after that I was ashamed of thinking such a thing and felt bad about the idea of feeling vindicated or avenged by whatever misfortune could happen to her. I realized that I really didn't wish her ill.

Re: Yes, I think you're probably right.

I think your sentiments regarding your ex wife followed a perfectly normal curve.

With my most recent ex, I'm still at the "drop dead and die" point of the curve. And what with the current state of his liver, I'm sure this will happen!!!

Re: Yes, I think you're probably right.

Yes. It's very hard to see any good in someone else when you're too hurt yourself to appreciate it. Perhaps anger is actually useful, to a certain extent. It may help re-establish our detachment and objectivity.

Re: Yes, I think you're probably right.

Sorry you're still feeling burned by him. You're right about that though, too. If that sink-whizzing chugga-monkey drops dead he will have had nobody but himself to blame. ; )

Re: Yes, I think you're probably right.

The truth is, I barely think about him except when something triggers a memory (which is rare since we weren't together that long.) In fact, I sometimes feel rather jolted when I remember how much in love with him I thought I was. I'm like, what was going on there?

Well, obviously he had some good sides to him or I wouldn't have 'gone there' in the first place. But still...now that I'm spending time with other people whose values and lifestyles are much more in line with my own, I regret that I didn't walk much earlier than I did.

Oh well. Thank god I didn't marry him!

Re: Yes, I think you're probably right.

Ha...I just realized how redundant "Drop dead and die" is.

I know I'm wired differently as I don't want to remember the ex-boyfriends. When I run into one or am reminded I literally cringe inside or groan out loud (when reminded only as this would be rude)! Maybe I'm being a little harsh, but it could also mean to me that I failed... As for a past crush/almost fling or two (I wanted more out of the dating) it feels good to run into those people realizing I'm in a much better place now to not dally with noncommittal folk and to thank God I didn't sleep with them!!!! - hope that made you laugh at least, but it's just how I see things in a brief response. ;)

I can't count the number of times that someone I barely knew from school and probably wouldn't have gotten along with adds me on various online things. I've never really understood it. I know part of it is just upping your quantity but part of it also almost seems to be a rose tinted view of the past. It kind of startles me. And as for those we care about, sometimes it's best left in the past. People change and drift apart. It's not always something bad.

...happy birthday!

Re: Unrelated, but...

Thank you!

happy birthday to you
you live in a zoo
you look like a monkey
and you smell like one, too
may you live a million years
may you drink a million beers
get plastered
you baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad boy
(i kid because i love)
happy birthday to you!


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